From Ms to Mrs...and now back to Ms.

Running and Patience

2012-01-30T14:30:00.001-05:00

I can't really give a reason as to why there is been such a long (2+ months) radio silence on my end.

Part of it could be that I'm busier now. Really pushing myself with finishing up my proposal for my PhD, trying to stay on track to graduate by December 2012, working out (I've recently started running again... so therapeutic), spending time with 'the cub' who things are still going very well with.

Or maybe its just that I feel that while I was the girl who called off her wedding, thats really not how I see myself any more. Yes, I was engaged. I was suppose to be married. However, I grew some balls and realized that it would have been a bad decision , (a very, very, bad, and expensive) decision.

Reflecting back to my time as half of an engaged couple, I truly see how incompatible my ex and I were. Its not like he was a bad person. He was just a bad person for me to spend my life with. We were too different, and wanted too many different things, that just didn't over lap. And, that is ok.

I've learned a lot. About relationships, friendships, what it means to be compitable with someone, what are the signs things aren't working, that you should always listen to your gut. There truly are so many trite, cliched things I've learned, that I can't even list.

But one of the biggest things I've learned is that its OK to be me. And the me who I am will find someone who loves her for her. Idiosyncrasies and all. And maybe that was one of the biggest and best lessons I've learned from this whole experience.

I have loved using 'blogging' as a form of therapy. Its truly helped me so much. The perspective I've gained and people I've 'met' have been amazing. But like I said, I don't truly see myself as the 30-something ex bride to be any more.

So I don't know what to do with this blog. I love writing, but I don't really want to write about my relationship(s) current, failed or otherwise anymore. Maybe I'm being superstious, and don't want to jinx myself or my relationship with 'the cub'. Or maybe I've reached a point where it seems OK, to just be a state of being.. In the right now.

Please don't misunderstand, just because I'm in a happy, and much healthier relationship does not mean my life is 100% puppy dogs, ice cream cones and rainbows. Because it's not. My grandparent's health continues to decline.... it seems that take turns as to who is declining more rapidly. Things with my mom still aren't great, and at best our relationship could be best described as strained.

But again, I'm living and learning. And just being in the moment. I guess the issue is I don't seem to know where I fit in, inregards to the blogging community. I'm not a mommy blogger, or a health/food blogger. I'm just a normal 30-something girl who thought her life would turn out one way, and somewhere along the line, things ended up taking a big turn. In some ways I do feel that it was for the best, but I prefer to say that it was just a learning experience. A big one.

I plan to keep writing, but I'm just not sure about what. One thing I'm learning (or re-learning) from starting to run again is patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. In fact, when I get a gift for someone, I want to give it to them right that second. I hate waiting. For example I bough 'the cub' a sweet watch for Valentine's day. When it came in last Thursday I gave it to him. Sans card and gift wrap, because I get too excited about if the person will like it, and get caught up in the giving part. Weird, I know. How does me giving gifts way too early relate to running?

Running is a sport that requires patience. A lot of it, to be honest. You can't just say one day, 'hmmmm I'd like to run a marathon or half, or 10K or even a 5k'. You have to start slow, and build on the basics. The basics of running being endurance, good form, patiences and belief in yourself.Which if you think about it can be applied to both life and relationships.

You need to build up your endurance or milage in running, and by doing that you build on your form too. You must be patient with yourself while doing the 1st steps. And you must belief that one day you will be running those 26.2 miles. But until then, you just keep chipping away at the basics, one day at a time.

One year ago...

2011-11-26T16:03:00.001-05:00

One year ago today, was suppose to be my wedding day. At roughly 4pm I was suppose to be starting to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, in my awesome wedding dress, on my way to say my vows. To the person who I thought would be there for better or worse, richer or poorer... etc. But we all know how that turned out.

Wedding canceled 2 months out. And to be honest, I never looked back. To this day, canceling my wedding is the one decision I don't regret. I'm so much happier, so much more independent, and sure of myself.

I learned a lot in the last year. In some ways it seems like its been way longer than just 365 days. In other ways, it doesn't really seem like it was a year ago.

To all my friends who have been there to support me, that have let me lean on them, cry on their shoulders, and just were there for me thank you. Your support means so much more than you probably will ever even know. I hope that one day I am able to repay the love and kindness you gave me.

To anyone who recently called things off, or who is going through a break up, you aren't alone. Hang in there. It gets better.

No News

2011-11-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

is good news I suppose. And the cub is claiming he's back to 100%. So hopefully it was just a bad case of body glitter getting where it shouldn't. Sort of like if you have some fun times on a beach.

I'm still somewhat on edge since I won't feel totally 100% til he hears from the doctors. But I wonder if they're one of those who don't call unless something is wrong. Especially since he's on anti-biotics already.

Regardless, any thoughts or vibes you want to send my way would be great.

anonymous post

2011-11-06T15:51:00.002-05:00

I should preface this post with a if you know me in real life, I'd appreciate if you treat this post as if you don't know me. That it's been written by some other anonymous blogger. I welcome your comments and support, but I'm very embarrassed, by this. But I need support so who better to turn to than to the blogosphere.

Last night everything was fine. We went out with my sister and she started punking out early due to the massive time change. So I ran her home, he stayed out. When I got back some how the boys decided that it would be a great plan to go to this really trashy strip club. I basically had my back up against a wall so I sort of went along with everything. I figured that the cub and I would drive ourselves and by doing that we could bail. He had other plans. He figured that I'd drive his friend so I'd be forced to go. Now keep in mind that he's wasted.

So as we are driving to the strip club, he realizes that I'm none too thrilled with this. and I told him basically if I left and went to get my dog from his house I wouldn't be there when he got home. So we had 2 drinks and left. its fine. So we end up discussing the fact that he sort of threw me under the bus with me driving his friends down to the strip club etc. And he can understand why I was so upset. And we talked again this morning. But I have this irksome feeling that this is the beginning of the end. That after the wedding he's going to drop me like a bad habit.

Earlier this week, he thought he maybe getting a UTI and went to the doctors. They gave him antibiotics and are doing some blood work. We should have the results back on Monday hopefully. Ever since then I feel like he's been sort of distant. I don't know if he's just uncomfortable from the potential UTI issue or he's nervous about the test results, which he says he isn't, but I feel like he's been distant.

My dear friend that I emailed pointed out that perhaps the stress of awaiting the test results, is making me feel like things are really bad between you two? And she's right. Its the stress of the unknown. I'm a planner. I like ot have a plan for everything. But how do you plan for something like this.

What makes this sort of worse, is he's leaving Tuesday afternoon, and today he's at the football game, tomorrow he's working & has wing night with the boys (which he won't/can't miss) and then he leaves Tuesday. So the next time I see him won't be til Friday afternoon when I get to the wedding.

He sent me a text today saying not to worry about anything and we're ok. And to trust him his friends don't hate me and he can't wait to see me friday. But I just feel icky. I don't know. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense. But I'm just like bleech.

I hate feeling like this. Things were going well, I really liked him and I still do. But there is this nagging part of me that wants to cut and run so I don't get hurt. So that I 'hurt him before he can hurt me'. I know its not healthy. But I'm at a loss. I guess all I can do is wait til Monday to hear about what the doctors/test results say.

The italics part are from the email.

2011-11-05T18:13:00.000-04:00

Its a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap.... Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you about what you care about the most... sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger, wiser, better equipped to handle the next big disaster that comes along... sometimes ... but not always..

Grey's Anatomy

Creeping back in...

2011-10-31T12:03:00.002-04:00

No I don't mean the fact that I haven't posted in a long time (I know, I know, epic failure). What I mean is my ED Mind, (ED Mind = eating disorder mindset).

This weekend "the cub" (which means I should say thanks to my good friend from Built In Birth Control for giving him that nickname) and I celebrated Halloween. I spent most of the week looking forward to this weekend. I was excited to meet the rest of "the cub's" friends, and really enjoy a Halloween party. However, Murphy's law went into effect.

First, when we got to 'the cub's' friend's house, people started calling me by the wrong name. Which ok fine, (sort of not really) because I know my name is kinda weird. However, what made the situation worse was that 'the cub's' friends were calling me by his ex-girlfriend's name. Which just happens to start with the same 1st letter as mine did. Now, I get it, its Halloween time to enjoy some libations, but really, I didn't think people were that drunk that they couldn't get my name right.

Next, a group of 'the cub's' friends were sitting around (all girls) who he went to high school with. They were talking about his ex. The one he really, really liked. And would have gotten back together with her if um, we hadn't started dating and she didn't get engaged. So to add to my feelings of social anxiety by being called the wrong name most of the night, I got to witness some ex talk.

And finally, this is my favorite. His cousin (who is a a girl) sat me down and basically told me that 'she knows how her cousin is, and if I don't challenge him I'll lose him. And that he normally goes for girls who are really in shape, so I should work on getting in shape if I want to keep him'. I was floored. I had no true response. Luckily it was towards the end of the night, and we left shortly afterwards.

Basically, when the cub & I got in the car I started to cry. I don't really cry. I'm not super emotional. But when I get upset for a basically being told I'm not good enough or in nice enough shape to be dating the cub by his family member, I lost it.

The cub wanted to know what was wrong, and there really isn't too much to say. Especially because I know how important his family is to him. Needless to say, I acted in my standard fashion of packing up the stuff I had at his house, and trying to leave.

Now to the cub's credit, he was pretty awesome through out the whole thing. He realized why i was upset, told me that his cousin is an air-head and not to take anything she says seriously. And I know how he feels about me. And that's what matters. As well as being able to understand why I was so upset.

Which he is right about. However, that didn't stop me from being upset by the comments today, still and by searching for diet pills online. Unhealthy, yes. Do I care, no not really.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who I can talk to/tweet about this and they helped reel me back in. But it doesn't stop my ED Mind from surfacing & telling me that if I was 10lbs skinnier, this girl would have liked me. Which I know is illogical, but thats the way the ED Mind works. It also made me realize that despite being "in recovery" now for about 4 years, this is a life long issue I'll have. And that sucks.

I'm not really sure what this means for the cub and I. When we talked about it, and how we left things on Sunday, he seemed to think we're fine and back to normal. But I'm still really nervous about the whole thing, and possibly meeting his sister sometime soon. I hope that its just a little hiccup, but who knows.

Its been a while....

2011-10-15T21:55:00.001-04:00

So I figured I'd share a quick dating update. Younger guy (who shall now be nicknamed 'the kid') and I are exclusive. I met most of his friends over the last few weeks, and I met his parents this week.

Things are going really well and I'm happy. Which is awesome. I will do a full update of how things have been soon, but right now I'm tired, and just enjoying being in this state of bliss.

Quotes & Musing

2011-10-07T16:40:00.004-04:00

Every so often someone comes along who is facing death, and manages to approach it in a manner that is unlike anything we've seen. They don't let the words 'you're dying' get them down'. Probably one of the best known examples of this was Randy Pauche, and his "Last Lecture".

Now, as the world prepares to morn the loss of Steve Jobs, we see that he approached death the same way he approached life.

I just listened to Job's commencement speech from 2005. Its so well done.

Text Version

If you don't have 15 minutes to watch it, here are some of the best and most amazing quotes I found.

Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle. - Steve Jobs

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary... - Steve Jobs

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. - Steve Jobs

Mr. Jobs didn't say this but it seems to fit in to the way he lived his life. -- Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that makes you smile.

Weekend Update... Dating Style

2011-10-05T10:34:00.001-04:00

Some quick follow up regarding the cast of characters that I've been dealing with.

Science Boy- still not getting the hint that I have 0 interest in being 'friends with benefits'. Its to the point now that I just ignore his texts.

This was an interesting weekend. In a good way. I was able to hang out with the "young guy" (now known as YG) on Friday. Which was really fun. He managed to get back from his business trip and I headed over to his house to hang out and finish Thor. (For the record we never finished it). We ended up just hanging out and talking, enjoying some gluten free beers til about 2:30am. At some point during the night, we made a bet with the terms being if he won I'd stay over. Which he did end up winning. So, we had a sleep over. Which honestly was really nice. What made it so nice was that it was totally low key, no pressure to hook up. We just ended up talking more.

I left early Saturday morning & we made plans to hang out again that night. He wanted to me to go to his 'local' bar and meet some of his friends. Which was fun. His friends all seemed nice enough. We ended up staying up chatting again til like 230 and I left early sunday morning.

We had made plans for prime rib at a place near my house that does a sports & prime rib dinner special. So we ended up hanging out at my place, having dinner and then he stayed over at my house. Again we just stayed up way to late talking.

We talked about a lot of things. Past relationships, what went wrong, what we like etc. We both agree that we certainly are into each other, however we don't want to go rushing into things, or make things more complicated by sleeping together too early. Since there is no doubt that sleeping together makes things way more complicated. He also invited me to go to a wedding with him in another state at the beginning of next month.I agreed to go. We booked my flight yesterday. It should be really fun. I';m certainly looking forward to a mini escape.

So of course I'm on pins and needles, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep telling myself to play it cool, and be myself. But based on my past track records, I'm kinda like don't screw up. We have plans tonight to get together and cook dinner together. And we're probably going out on Friday. He's got a friend in this weekend (who I'm suppose to meet since we're staying with them one night while we're at the wedding). So looks like I'll be seeing more of him. Which I'm really happy about. Part of what worries me is that my past 'guy-dar' has been so off. I meet guys who I think are great, and they turn out to not to be so great. Which is fine. Like someone said,its all experience.

Which brings up Harry. Who wanted to get together a few times this week, but I kept bailing. He also wanted to hang out on Saturday, which I kiboshed. He wanted to get prime rib Sunday, but I had (better) plans. So he basically cornered me on Tuesday about what was up, and I admitted to him that I am just not really feeling it with him. That he's not what I am looking for or want. And there really is no sense in doing what we did any more because its a huge waste of time for us both. And that I met someone I actually like and I want to see what happens with them. Haven't heard from him since then. Which I'm fine with.

And that was my weekend update. Keep your fingers crossed that things keep going well with YG.

Dating Updates

2011-09-30T12:15:00.002-04:00

Dating really is an exercise in insanity. I mean when you think about it, you do the same thing (go out with people you don't really know.. in an attempt to meet 'the one'). But I digress. So here is a quick and dirty dating update:

Science Boy: Got an interesting text from him late one night, explaining that he really likes me, but that he's a total fuck up, and isn't over his ex. Fair enough, we've all been there. He still want to hang out and be friends. Whatever, and in all honesty I just don't care enough to care about 'being friends'. So I ignored his texts. Which apparently is what you need to do to get a guy to become interested. He texted me about getting together sometime soon, and I ignored him again. So while I was enjoying my Thursday night medical shows I got a bunch of texts from him, explaining that he does like me, but isn't looking for anything committed so maybe a friends with benefits would be a good option. Ummmmm.... what now? Long story short, he attempted to invite himself over to my house at 10:15 so we could 'hang out'. Direct quote here " Bottom line... I like you. I want you to be my friend and if we can give each other orgasms on occasion that would be cool too". I mean really how can a girl say no to that (please note that is dripping in sarcasm). When I was explained I wasn't interested, he took it to mean I wasn't interested at that specific moment. When in reality, I am not interested at all. Charming.

Sports Pro: Haven't heard from him. Which I'm fine with. He's a nice guy just not for me.

Young Dude: We had our 2nd date this week which consisted of sushi, gluten free beer, and a movie. I got home at about 2am. Which I guess is a sign that things went well, but like I told my friend I'm dating stupid, so it could have gone horribly and I wouldn't have known. It seems like we actually have a lot in common. Ok this requires some back story, so we were talking about stupid Youtube videos and he showed me this video

"Breaking the Barrier"

Just watch it, I'll wait. Done watching? Ok, so we ended up only watching like 1/3 of the movie I brought over, so when I was getting ready to leave we were joking about the "Breaking the Barrier" youtube video and if I should leave the DVD at his house. So after some jokes he decided I should leave the DVD at his place. I heard from him last night and we have some tentative plans for tonight, if he gets back from his business trip at a reasonable time, if not we're doing prime rib at the bar by my house on Sunday. Fingers crossed it goes well.But since its me, don't hold your breath, because I'm sure it'll somehow turn to shit shortly!

Kicked in the Balls

2011-09-29T20:48:00.000-04:00

Is basically how I'm feeling right now. Coupled with horrifically alone.

Today I found out my friend who's wedding I was just in, (as in barely 30 days ago) is pregnant. She got pregnant on her wedding night. Really?!? On your wedding night?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for her/them. I really am. But its one of those things that unless you're a benchwarmer for team no babies, you don't get.

I was talking with another mutual friend. About how there is a certain level of sting to it.

I'm lucky that most of my 'friends' who have gotten pregnant, our relationships had started to change, and I wasn't seeing them nearly daily at work, to watch their pregnancies. But this time its going to be different.

Because I will see her. And I'll watch her go through her pregnancy. And I have to say, that despite being totally stunned, when she told me in the beer distributor, I was lucky enough to be wearing my sunglasses so she didn't see my tears. Which I was able to hold in till she left. In a sick way I'm really proud of myself for that.

To you ladies who are part of the IF bandwagon, I have no idea how you truly deal with this all the time. Because this is the 1st one that has truly hit so close to home. You ladies are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

And yes while its not 100% that I can't or won't have biological babies, odds are not in my favor, based on my genetic history (IF is rampant on both sides of my family), the fact I destroyed and abused the hell out of my body with an eating disorder for 10 years, with a good mix of cervical dysplasia. But lets take those things out of the equation. Lets just say I didn't have those issues. I'm nearly 31. Which mean that my 'biological clock' isn't just ticking, its going off with great alarm.

Maybe you can't have it all. And its a joke to try.

All Signs point to...

2011-09-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

Being a hot fucking mess. And I wonder why I'm single.

So maybe i'm not ok with everything as I thought I was... rampant cleaning with some gluten free beer and tears means if I'm this fucked up when its been 1 yr since I called off my wedding, I can only imagine what a hot fucking mess I'll be when its what would have been my 1yr wedding anniversary... #relationshipfail

1 year ago today

2011-09-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

I made the biggest, and toughest decision ever. I called off my wedding.

On one hand it seems like not that long ago, and other days it seems like it was years ago.

While I may not be exactly where I want to be in my life, I certainly do not ever regret canceling my wedding and ending my relationship with my ex.

Boys, Booze, & Bad Decisions

2011-09-26T12:53:00.001-04:00

It seems to be a theme in my life. This maybe a slightly long post so feel free to skip it.

Background, when my 1st serious relationship of 6 years ended back in 2006, I signed up for online dating (yes, we know I'm socially inept). I ended up connecting with this guy who after a few chats on the phone, things ended with me calling him a dirty pig, who I'd never date. To make life simple let's just call him Harry.

And here is why ... For those of you familiar with Sex and the City, when Charlotte is going through her divorce, she meets Harry. Who is not her type at all. Bald, kinda chubby, unrefined, the list goes on and on. Well I've got my own version of Harry. He's bald, chubby, totally unrefined, as an associates, went through a period where he hit rock bottom, professionally, and really isn't boyfriend material. I mean when I showed my friends his facebook page, they laughed and thought I was joking. Because he's not what they would ever see me with. But I digress.

Back to Harry, for some reason, despite the fact that I thought/knew he was a total mahore (man-whore), not relationship material, we really hit it off as friends. Seriously, the kid can crack me up. So we remained friendly all these years.

So from 2006 till now, when ever I would end up back to online dating, Harry was on there and would always 'wink' at me. So we'd catch up and share our stories of the psychos we've gone out with. So within the last 5 years we've become friends.

In August when I ended things with FlowerBoy I re-signed up for online dating. Because despite the definition of insanity being repetitively doing the same action over and over, yet expecting a different outcome... I keep trying to date..... regardless I digress.

So when I signed up in August, I got a wink from Harry.We caught up via text and Facebook. So when all the shit was going down with my grandfather, he suggested we get together. So one friday in August we went out.

And it was weird. Not bad weird, but my horrifically broken boy radar was kinda pinging. Because he was very much touchy at the bar. Not in a creepy way, but a oh I'm going to tell a story and touch your arm, etc. When we were leaving, he walked me to my car, and said something about me not giving off any signs. Which I blew off.

I got home, and went to wash my face etc, and in the time it took to do that, I had a text message, missed call, and he got on facebook and messaged me to tell me some story. I remember thinking hrmmm odd.
So from August to now, we've kept in touch, normally with him shooting me a message or email every day or three.

So this brings us to 2 weekends ago. I was telling him how I was going to this resort for an event. The resort was pretty nice and he made a joke about him coming to the event and having a 6 hour vacation.

So somehow our joking about him doing that and wanting to hang out again, turned into him driving 2 hours on a Friday night to hang out at the resort with me, and staying til Sunday morning. We ended up having a blast on Friday night, and nothing happened.

So I figured that he'd leave when I got up to go to my events. Especially since he mentioned that he needed to be at October-fest on Saturday night. So I came back at lunch time for a nap, and he was still there. I left again, and came back at 3 and he was still there. We ended up napping, going to dinner and then hanging out again all night. Which included 3 bottles of wine, a trip to the jacuzzi, and the bar which included an 'adult sleepover".

So when he left at 6am to get back to our city, so he could go help a friend at a bar for our Football teams home opener, I figured I'd not hear from him again. So imagine my surprise when I am driving home, and he's texting me. And talking about hanging out again.

I sort of figured he was joking, but apparently last Tuesday he was serious about coming over, and I had already made plans. So we kept in touch via facebook and texting the rest of the week.

I was relaxing on Friday night, and he was getting ready to go out, and we talked about getting together the next day. I had already agreed to go out to dinner with this kid, (who turned out to be my city's version of Pauly D... so it was an epic fail). He was texting me during my date, and when I told him I left because it was so bad, he was like I'll come over and we can chill. It'll be fine.

Now I'm sure I seem like a total skankster in this situation, but I made a point of making sure Harry knew that there would be no 'adult sleep overing" this time. So he came over, we crushed about 12 beers, hung out, stayed up talking til 6am and went to bed. And snuggled.

When I was talking to my best friend about this, she pointed out that " Yup, you like the frumpy dude, who has an oddly unusual amount of time to spend with you?" Trying to counter argue her point, I was like no, he's not into me like that we're just friends. Her response "Bullshit, friends don't cuddle. And you know that if it was me in this situation he'd disapear, however, for you He's going to become your boyfriend, since he's so not boyfriend material" And I hate to think she's right. That I might kinda like him.

So we got up at the crack of 2pm go to lunch. We come back to my place, end up watching a movie, and chilling out. We go to dinner at the bar by my house, watch the 1st half of Sunday night Football at the bar, come back to my house watch the rest of the game, end up hanging out til after midnight. Now granted there was some snuggling going on after dinner. And I got a hug when he left this time. So weird.

So being the typical girl, I felt the need to analyze this situation. Because Harry's really not relationship material. He comes from a messed up family situation, is very open about the fact that he's relationship retarded, is still rebuilding from the shit storm that his professional and personal life was, and at 34 his longest relationship ever was 3 months.

Which my best friend helpfully put it "Lets review your track record ... none of the guys you like are relationship material, we have the doucher you dated for 6 years, the idiot you almost married and flower boy". My response "Touche, this is why you're my best friend".

So I think she's right. I do kinda like him. Which I really don't want to happen, because I'm pretty sure he's not into me in that way. But at the same time, there has got to be easier and way less time intensive way for a guy to hang out with a girl. And of course in his typical fashion, when I woke up this morning I had 2 emails from him.

So readers, being a girl, and feeling the need to analyze my life, what are your thoughts on Harry.

More Dating Debauchery

2011-09-21T13:45:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if its a good or bad thing that I don't totally remember how many dates I've been on since I last updated. Regardless, there have been some dates since then. And to protect the innocent, I'll be using nicknames.

Science boy (dubbed this due to his rather impressive science background), and I met up for drinks, which led to dinner, which lead to trivia night (which we won & I was smart enough to keep the gift card which was the prize). I seemed to think that the date was going pretty well since there were no awkward pauses and we had a lot in common. There was some texting back and forth right after the date, and a bit back and forth. We had a 2nd date where we hung out at my house, and it was very weird. We had plans for a 3rd date, which he canceled. And then I got some odd/drunken texts over the weekend, which I haven't replied to. I'd say that all signs point to not interested.

Sports Pro (dubbed this due to his past history of playing a pro sport). We met for dinner one night, and I didn't think it went all that well. But then again, right after the date as I was driving home, I got some texts. We made plans and went out last week. We went to Dave & Busters and it was fun. No real plans were set for a 3rd date. Though he did want to know if I wanted to meet up sort of last minute (which I couldn't do). He's got a friend in from out of town this weekend. So we'll see whats next. The verdict is still out on this guy.

Young Dude (named this because he is 4 yrs younger than me). We did dinner and a movie at his house on sunday. Our date lasted about 6 hours, was really fun, and there was certainly some snuggling on his couch. I got a text from him talking about watching a movie together again, but like sports pro; his friend who he is the best man in his friend's wedding, will be in town this weekend. So maybe we'll have another movie date sometime soon. Like sports pro the jury is still out with him. Despite the age difference I think there could be some potential. But we'll see.

I'm hoping that eventually I'll skip past the curse of the 2nd date where we go out twice, and thats it.

Fingers crossed.

A decade ago....

2011-09-11T00:47:00.002-04:00

Its hard to believe that its been 10 years since the events of 9/11 unfolded.

Part of me feels weird going about my normal day tomorrow. Going to brunch, seeing a musical, doing stuff around my house. Because I know tomorrow is anything but a normal day.

Its been 10 years since America was under attack. And at times so much has changed, and yet it hasn't.

When 9/11 occurred I was a Junior in college. I was living in my sorority house. It was a Tuesday. I didn't have classes on Tuesdays and since we were preparing for rush, I had stayed up late on Monday night helping with rush related things.

At about 9am-ish on that distinctly beautiful Tuesday morning, my fellow sorority sister (who I've since lost touch with) burst into my room yelling at me to turn my TV on. When I turned on the TV I watched in horror as the 2nd plane was flown into the South Tower. I remember being stunned. And thinking, I need to get a hold of my dad.

When 9/11 happened my dad was still active in government work. I can remember thinking if I can get a hold of him I'll have a better idea of what to do. But I couldn't. I remember trying non stop to get a hold of him. And as the time passed, that I couldn't reach him I remember starting to freak out.

When I finally did reach him I remember asking him if I should come home. I think at that point in time either the 3rd plane had just hit the Pentagon or the 4th plane had just gone down about 90 minutes from where my family lived.

When he told me yes, I knew this was serious. I am sure that it sounds stupid to say that I didn't know it was serious while I watched 9/11 unfold on my small 15" TV, but hearing my dad tell me to leave campus and come home meant this was bad.

I gathered up about 4 of my sorority sisters and we headed to my parents house which was roughly 30 minutes from where we went to school. On that day the drive took over 3 and a half hours. My sorority sisters and I worried that we'd run out of gas. Luckily we didn't, and we made it to my parents house.

By the time we got there, both my younger sisters had been pulled out of school and were home with my dad. My mom at this point was safely out of the city and shopping for food at the near by grocery store. Which is what a good Italian mother does.

I remember sitting in the living room with my sisters (biological and sorority) watching the TV footage non stop. I remember our phone ringing off the hook. Friends and family who lived out of state calling to make sure we were ok, to know if my dad or his partners were being sent out, and to see if somehow we had more information than they had as a result of my dad's job.

When my mom came home from shopping, I remember having quite the spread. I remember everyone making sandwiches, sitting in the living room eating, and switching from MSNBC, to CNN, to FoxNews, to NBC, to any news station at all.

As the day wore on, and it appeared that the worst was over, my sorority sisters decided to head back to campus. I distinctly remembering my mom sending each girl back to the sorority house with a container of purified water, because "you never know".

I stayed with my family. I remember not wanting to go back to campus, and wanting to stay home. I remember my dad telling me that I had to go back to campus. That I couldn't stop living my life because of fear. So I stayed with my family through dinner and into the early evening, and returned to campus.

I can remember as the early evening turned to night, and my suite mate & I (who's rooms were connected via a shared bathroom) not being able to have the doors that separated our rooms shut. Not being able to sleep, and the jumpiness we felt whenever we heard a noise.

My middle sister (AKA Sister#2) and I were talking on the phone about 9/11and what we both remembered on Friday. And it hit us, in a way that we could not comprehend. That the events of 9/11 are of such a magnitude that not only do they stay with you,but as you change, and your life changes the way you view these events change.

While Osama Bin Laden has been dead for nearly 6 moths, the reality of 9/11 and what the hijackers did can not be changed.

The families who lost loved ones will not have their loved ones brought back. The children who lost their parents will never have them back.

While its been 10 years since the events of 9/11 and it seems so long ago, it really hasn't been all that long. I know personally I'll be hugging my family tighter today, and telling those special people how much they mean.

And to the men & women who were the 1st responders who risked their lives not only on 9/11 but to all the men & women who are in the military, thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices that you and your families make. Thank you for putting your lives on the line so that we can live in a country that stands for freedom. There will never be enough words of gratitude to that can be expressed to you.

And to those who lost their lives on 9/11, I hope that as the 9/11 Memorial opens today, that your souls finally find a place and are at peace. Know that you will not be forgotten.

Diving Back in to the Dating Pool

2011-09-05T22:47:00.000-04:00

And I'm back to online dating. I'm not totally ashamed to admit that I do online dating. Mainly because a lot of my friends (BIBC, CGD) are what I like to call 'freaky internet friends'. Now some I've had the honor and privilege to meet in person. Regardless, I do online dating to help supplement my social life. Because lets face it, I'm socially awkward.

It also doesn't help that I'm on the upside of 31, and every time I talk to my grandmother (on my Mom's side) she's 'praying for good news'. AKA I have a new boyfriend. And its not just my old school Italian grandmother who's praying I "meet the one'.

It came out this weekend that my mom and co-worker were really hoping that I would have met my 'prince charming' at the wedding I was just in (which is a whole other blog post in and of itself) rather than taking care of the beyond wasted face bridesmaid. Ugh. Face. Meet palm.

So I've signed up for online dating. Again. Only this time I've lost nearly 25 lbs and apparently I've been deemed 'hot' by some of the guys on there. Which to me is so weird. Because I classify myself as a nerd. Words like hot, smoking, sexy are not what I use to describe myself. So getting compliments like this are weird to me. And I often feel like they're talking to the wrong person.

But I digress. I've had a few dates. And apparently my date radar SUCKS. Hard core. As in I either don't pick up on signs, miss the signs or am so utterly clueless that I could have a 'sign' dropped on my head and I wouldn't get it.

For example: This past weekend, I had a date. I met up with a guy who is in a crazy intense grad program. So I knew off the bat that he's a busy guy. The date went well. Or so I thought. We went to dinner at one of my favorite Mexican places. We ended up walking around chatting, about different things, we shared a similar sense of humor etc. When I went to drop him off I got a kiss (or few) and invite in to his house. We hung out and watched some Future-roma and I was home in my bed by midnight. He says he wants to get together again, but I haven't heard from him other than a text on Saturday saying he'll call me later this week, to make plans to do some 'touristy' stuff. (He's from another state, and I'm a local).

Which leads me to question, is there something so wrong with me that I turn guys off right away. Like Charlotte York said, (and I'm losing paraphrasing) - "I've been dating for nearly 15 years. Where is he!?!?! This is exhausting. "

I hate being alone. I want the partnership, the companionship. But I also don't want to settle.

fear

2011-08-22T22:35:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I live in fear. That its the last time I will see someone who is super important to me. That something horrible will happen. That it'll be the last time that I see them, or hug them or tell them I love them.

Normally these fears happen when I see something, and think about the possible symptoms for diseases it could be. For example, I'll see my dad being really sweaty after moving stuff around, or huffing after doing steps. And I think, possible heart attack. And I of course ask him "Dad are you having chest pains?"

And he tells me he's fine. But at some point I know that won't be true. And perhaps watching my mom slowly lose her dad, who she was close too, makes me realize that one day, I'll be in my mom's place. Only it'll be my dad I'm losing.

And that is something that feels like a gut punch. Because I'm a daddy's girl. I NEED to have my dad. And it makes me hurt for my mom. That she like myself is a daddy's girl, and she doesn't have him any more. Which gives me a lump in my throat.

Debbie Downer

2011-08-22T17:24:00.001-04:00

I've been meaning to write for a while. But I didn't want to seem like a total debbie downer. Because recently I've been in a big time funk.

I've been trying to figure out what the reason for my funk is. Is it because this weekend I'll be in bridesmaid hell with my friends upcoming nuptials? And dealing with her flakey maid of honor, her nutty mother in law, and the fact that I'm flying solo to the wedding? Maybe.

Is it because my grandfather made it through surgery, and then my family was forced to play this up and down game of is he ok, is he not ok? Only to have my bat shit crazy aunt sign my grandfather out of the hospital against medical advice with a folly catheter (hello infection) and with him not having moved his bowels since surgery? Only to have both her and her charming doucher of a husband both hightail it out of here. Leaving my mom, dad, great-aunt and myself to deal with the ongoing shenanigans and highjinks? Perhaps.

Or is it because I ended things with Flower Boy and have put myself back out on the market. Only to see how depressing the options are. Because nothing makes a girl feel better than having a guy full on break down cry on their 2nd night out about how he was suppose to get married at the end of July. Now, don't get me wrong. I've been with this poor guy has been. But it was super awkward watching him cry. Because lets face it, I'm not exactly in touch with my emotions and crying can be sort of odd to me, so watching a guy cry because he had too much jack isn't fun.

Only to cap off my weekend, by having some guy I chatted with via IM for 30 minutes, google my name and find a wedding registry. Keep in mind no numbers were exchanged and it was totally casual. So I didn't feel it was right to mention my failed engagement. The next day he messaged me as soon as I got on and berated me for being a failure. And not only was I failure, I was a liar, because I didn't tell him right off the bat. And that no guy will ever want some one else's sloppy seconds, and to keep in mind he's the victim of this situation.

Needless to say I'm off to punish myself some more by meeting a guy for drinks.

Dateless Wonder

2011-08-15T15:41:00.003-04:00

this is me and this is my life

i have no date to the wedding

and I firmly believe that life is passing me by. and while people are moving forward I'm staying the same. single

Heart Attack, Blood Infection, and Possible Kidney Shut Down

2011-08-10T20:00:00.001-04:00

Are the things that my grandfather is facing right now. Which given his advanced advanced age aren't really all that great. Right now I'm just totally numb. I don't know what to do, think or feel. We're not really sure how bad this is, or at the least have been give prognosis & what we can expect recovery wise. However, knowing what I know and seeing what I've seen, these things are NOT good. At all.

There was of course lots of family drama surrounding my side of the family getting this information. Which, honestly I'm too exhausted to write about. Because right now I'm too exhausted to do anything other than sit on my couch. I don't want to eat, or do anything. I'm just numb.

To my friends who follow me on twitter or facebook, thank you so much for your continued love, support and prayers. I have a feeling that what I've been calling " the no good, very bad, super crap week" will be continuing on.

I've got a wicked headache brewing from being in tears & tired. I was up at 3:30 am on Tuesday and didn't go to bed til 1:45am yesterday. So I'm just running on E.

Bad Mood Monday

2011-08-08T18:51:00.002-04:00

Warning this is a seriously long post. Read at your own discretion.

Today has not been a good day. First, we're (we're being my mom, dad, and myself) directly with Capt. Douche & Douchette since my grandfather was hospitalized at some point over the weekend. When, I don't know, because my Mom only found out yesterday. Apparently what I've been told is that my grandfather had some sort of 'attack' over the weekend where he was very nauseated, vomiting, unable to make coherent sentence, was babbling and having chest pain. Capt. Douche was debating taking my grandfather to the hospital and put him in the car, however my grandfather prompted tossed his cookies all over the car, so Captain Douche called 911 and requested an ambulence. Because as he told my mom, he can't drive in a car that someone vomited in. I mean good thing he wasn't exhibiting some of the symptoms of a heart attack and or stroke which requires prompt action (if you can't pick on the incredible use of sarcasm here I question why you read my blog, anywhoo)

The ambulance arrived and carted my grandfather to what is arguably the WORST hospital in our area. It is the only hospital that my grandfather's quack of a doctor (who happen to be Capt. Douchette's brother) has privileges at. As of early this afternoon, the hospital has no clue what happened, or what is exactly wrong. Um... Ok. So he may or may not be being kept in the hospital, but seeing how Capt. Douche is the power- of-atterny for my grandfather and has managed to 'accidently' set it that only he and his wife (Capt. Douchette) have access to my grandfathers information. Which should come as no surprise seeing how my mother got a letter from my grandfather's attorney alerting her to the fact that she is no longer a decision maker.

So while all that is brewing, I feel like things with Flower Boy have been on a collision course with disaster. I can't really pin-point when I went from really liking him to being super annoyed with everything he does. But I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that in June he couldn't pay his gas bill so he was willign to have his gas shut off. Luckily (or unluckily)his parents paid the bill off. I didn't think too much about it at the time because to be honest I've had to have my parents help me out (granted I was newly on my own at 19-20).

Fast forward to last week those who know me in real life know that I'm busting ass to get my proposal in so that I can defend sometime in early fall, and start the real meat of my dissertation then too. So Thursday when I get a frantic phone call about how flower boy can't pay his rent, and how he's so miserable, and doesn't understand why I don't want to 'take things to the next level with us', I really don't have the patience/ or desire to deal. When I talk to him after work, some how his rent has been paid. Whatever.

Friday afternoon I get a text from him saying his power has been shut off. The story I get is that the power company turned off the wrong house. And that since its after 4pm on friday, the power company will not come out and turn his power back on (despite him telling me it was his error). We had plans for that night so I go to meet him and he's in basketball shorts, no shirt, and unshowered. Flower boy proceeds to tell me that he's helping his neighbor change brakes and he'll be done in 10 minutes.

10 minutes turns into 2+ hours and I spent the entire time with the neighbor's wife (who we are friends with) talking about Flower Boy's power situation. At about 11, I end up leaving and I'm pissed. Saturday I work on my paper and he promises to make it up to me that we'll go out Saturday night. I meet him at his house and again, he's in basketball shorts, no shirt. And I am beyond pissed. I'm livid. His neighbor's wife sees how upset I am, and she takes me aside and calms me down. And again I leave.

Sunday we had made plans to go to a party, and we went, but being around him was like being on the worst 1st date ever. I was so pissed at him from his behaviors over the weekend. That the fact he downed a few rum and cokes and talked to his old bartenders about the 'good ol' days' didn't help the cause. I left at about 8 and came home to do more work on my paper.

Today I found out about my grandfather being hospitalized and when I texted Flower Boy to tell him I got 'no shit' and 'what are you going to do' as a response. No, are you ok? Do you need anything? Nothing. So to say I am upset is an understatement.

I was facebook chatting with a mutual friend and asking if I was allowed to be upset that he didn't even check on how I was, and she answered yes, its not like you've only been dating for a few weeks. I really, truly realized that I think the relationship has hit its expiration date. Which truly sucks because I finally RSVP'd to the wedding I'm in, with him as my plus one.

Today I canceled the hotel room which I told him about, hoping that he'd say he wouldn't want to come any more because he couldn't get wasted. No luck. So now, looking at his behavior in the black and white, makes me see that we just aren't working. And I am just not sure what to say or do any more.

I feel like a total loser. That I'm on the upside of 31, and that I'm in a wedding in a few weeks for 2 people who are much younger than me, and I still haven't found my permanent plus one. I feel that I must have some sort of horrible issue and that is why I'm still single at almost 31.

So I'd really like to call a do over for today. Because its basically sucked.

Glorified College Student

2011-08-04T22:50:00.002-04:00

as i was driving to my parents house to pick up something my dad owed me. I realized something. As much I fought it and denied it, I am basically a glorified college student. Which means much of my life is in chaos, as far as future plans. I'm expecting (fingers crossed & assuming I can get my proposal done) I should be graduating in December of 2012. Which means that where I will be living, what I'll be doing for income, and all the other things that most 30-somethings have hammered down I don't. And if I don't have those things figured out, I can't really expect to have an 'adult relationship' where I find my prince charming who rides over on his white steed, woos me & surprises me with a ring. I'm not really sure how or why I realized this. But it could be because I've been stressing a bit (ok, a lot) about my proposal and the inevitable what happens next.

So rather than be sad about this, I'm thinking about all the places I could end up. And how I can apply for awesome post-doc positions where ever I want (Cleveland Clinic, Mayo Clinic, UNESCO, Europe). And look for jobs where I want (NYC, Cali to name a few). And I can decorate my house however I want. That the plans I want to make are totally fine, because the only person I have to make happy and worry about is me.

So if I want to get up and run, cardio-box, or lift at 8am on a Saturday its really no big deal. Or if I want to re-do my living room to be a bit more shabby chic than modern minimalist I can. Because I have to make me and me alone happy.

I'm sure that some days I'll be lonely, but all I can do is focus on me and worry about my happiness, and maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to find some who is a true partner that I can share my happiness with.

For now, I'm OK with where I'm at. I enjoy hanging out with flower boy, but I had a state of the union address to let him know that I'm going to be exploring all the options for my post-doc opportunities, and where that could take me. I'm not totally sure that he understands. But I feel I did my due diligence and let him know where I'm at. And that my most important person right now is me.

Playing Catch Up

2011-08-02T17:43:00.002-04:00

I am pausing Operation Don't Want to Hate My House (or ODWtHMH) for the next few weeks since its 'do or die time' with my damn proposal. Already I'm like OMGWTFBBQ did I get myself into. The formatting alone makes me stabby. PS- if any bloggy friends are up for reading they will be forever sainted in my book.

Anyways quickly ODWtHMH ended this weekend with a total of 8 bags of garbage that were picked up this morning, and a good 8 bags dropped off at Goodwill. When I told my friend about how much crap I got rid of she replied via text with " Wow, you're purging alot... Where did you hide all of it? Were you secretly a hoarder?" While I know she's joking, sometimes I wonder if I am or at least exhibit hoarding tendencies.

Photographic Proof of my Purge

While I loved my childhood & my parents more than I could ever express, there were things that weren't a priority in our house. Cooking healthy food was one, and learning how to clean/take care of a home was another. That task was done via a cleaning lady up until I left for college. So the fact that I've lived on my own for a good 10 years and haven't died yet is a feat. Needless to say domestic goddess isn't something that is on my CV.

Speaking of CV I'm in crunch time for my proposal. Albit it is a self imposed crunch time, but I really want to defend my proposal by Oct.1. Which means submitting the document by Sept. 1. Which would be fine execpt I'm off these next 14 days then I work for a week, work 3 days the following week only to have my Thursday - Sunday being eaten up by a wedding I'm in. (We'll dicuss that insanity at another time. But I'll leave you with this Mother of the Groom in what is basically a hot pink low cut prom dress).

So I'm stressed to the max. And frankly all I want to do is 1- quit school and be a roadie for the NKOTBSB tour (which was amazing go and see it if you can) or 2- become a domestic goddess and refinish my furniture and make my house cute. To bad my academic life is getting in the way.

I'm off to take the wunderpup to puppy school now. Hopefully this will help clear my mind a bit.

De-cluttering

2011-07-30T21:26:00.002-04:00

So far that count for donation bags for Goodwill is at 6 and 5 bags of garbage are sitting on my front porch.

God, thats so embarrassing.

Operation I don't Want to Hate My House

2011-07-28T21:22:00.002-04:00

With my last post, I decided to actually do something about hating how cluttered my house feels. While that probably seems like common sense to most people, there is a bit of a back story with this here.

When I got engaged to my ex, and figured I'd be moving at some point, I kinda sort of let my house get a bit cluttered. And then after my wedding was called off and I was lucky to make it through the day and normally laid on my couch when I got home until I relocated to my bed for the night. My house (and my fitness) took a hit.

Now that I'm finally on the up-side of that mess, and have adjusted to the fact that I'm not going to be leaving my 100+ year old duplex anytime soon I figured there is no time like the present to do something about the clutter situation.

So this is my plan. I'm going to go through each area of my house and do some hard core purging. Once that is done, I'm going to allot myself $300 bucks to do some creative organization (which don't worry I'm scouring the internets for ideas and using Pintrest to track them). My budget it basically divided up into $150 for creative storage, $150 for decor. I have come to realize that 1- I need to figure out creative storage/organization ideas because I have a lot of stuff (thus the big time purging going on) 2- my house a mash up of stuff. So I'm going to attempt to make it more cohesive looking.

And for the record, I'm not like the 'hoarders' you see on TV. I don't have 23423423432432132131 cats living under the massive piles of junk. I just have accumulated a ton of shit. I don't have paths that must be followed to maneuver around my house. Its more, my coffee table & sofa table always have shit on it type of clutter.

So today I tackled my curio cabinet/entertainment center & a bookshelf in my living room. Which resulted in 2 bags of garbage and 1 bag for Goodwill.

The plan for the weekend is my living room closet this weekend with the sofa & coffee tables too. And if I'm feeling super adventurous I may even hit up my bedroom.

To keep myself on track with this, I plan to blog about it. I'm debating posting before and after pictures, but I think I'd be too embarrassed to show them. So maybe there will be some after pictures I don't know yet.

So let operation I don't want to hate my house any more begin!

Longing

2011-07-26T21:12:00.003-04:00

And probably in the way that you're thinking. I've recently been reading more and more about organization. Because that is what I long to be. Organized. To have one of those magazine ready houses. Where everything is put away, and perfect. That there is no clutter. Anywhere. Where people stop by and I'm not frantically shoving crap into a closet.

I spent the weekend at my sister's and her husband. It was my 'vacation' for the summer. And being at her wide open, magazine perfect house, only made me realize how much I long to be one of those organized people.

Now granted she has a very spacious brand new build 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom, open floor plan. Which is a far cry my over 100 year old, center split duplex that has 1 (bedroom), a living room (which doubles as an office & gym) and 1 bathroom.

When I moved into my duplex I remember thinking about how much room this place had. And maybe it did. And maybe it still does, but I am just at a loss as to where to start.

I'd love any help, tips pointers you can share.

Uneasiness

2011-07-21T17:55:00.001-04:00

Even though its been nearly 10 months since my wedding was canceled there are still times where I feel like it was just yesterday. Where it would be so, so easy to put myself into a benadryl induced coma and sleep a few days away. Where laying in the dark on my couch with the wunderpup, staring blankly at my TV psuedo-watching some bad reality tv show is about all I can handle. Where the tears come so, so easily. When I get a lump in my throat. Where random seemingly un-linkable events, bring back the memories of the after-math, which coming flooding in. It brings my to my knees.

As I sit here, attempting to make sense of my emotions, with a lump in my throat, I can't help but feel some serious anxiety creeping in. Wedding related anxiety. About my failed wedding, my failed engagement, the fact that my relationship failed. While I didn't get married and go through a divorce, I can't help but feel like I did live through a divorce.

Canceling a wedding, having a failed engagement, is a very lonely place to be, even when you have awesome friends. They try to support you the best they can, but part of them is relieved, that its not them going through this. So you end up stuck between so many places. You're no longer part of the 'couples crowd' because you're single.

But, odds are you don't have many single friends available because when you're one half of a couple, your friendships morph into couple friendships. Yet, your friends who are divorced, don't exactly welcome you in with open arms. Because, you were 'smart'. You didn't divroce. You just canceled a wedding. As if that is in some way any less traumatic. Because bottom line, divorce or canceled wedding the end result is life altering.

Hell, I was that smug coupled person. I remember thinking when I got engaged, 'thank god i'm never going to have to date again'. Oh, the irony. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for my friend. I'm happy that she's met 'her one' (a concept that I don't really even believe in any more). But I can't help but worry about how I'm going to feel on her wedding day. While I hope that I can be there for her and be a good bridesmaid, I feel like I may end up in my hotel room for a brief part of the night, bawling my eyes out.

Because, I'm going to be 31. And I'm not married, I'm not engaged, I'm not even sure that the relationship I'm in is worth it. I feel like all the things I've wanted, and put on my check list when I was 25 (get married at 27, buy house at 28, do one last big trip at 29, and start trying for a family at 30) are no where near happening. And its not something I can devise a plan to fix. I can't make a time line, or a to do list to find someone to share my life with.

My friend who's wedding I'm in is from my doctoral program. And she's been struggling with her dissertation a bit (actually a lot). So I figured since I've listened to her bitch, moan, and vent about all things wedding, I figured I'd be ok talking to her about the above situation. And the end result was her basically disappearing and getting a passive agressive email.

The gist of the email was about how I need to 'stop focusing on my failures, and getting married by a certain time in your life, finding the right person will not be so difficult'. Which I think is ironic and she doesn't really get to say something like that to me, as someone who is getting married in just a few weeks. Then she compared my lack of a husband/spouse/partner, to her issue with her paper, and that its not FAIR to her if I brush her concerns about the paper off. And that writing a paper is similar to building a relationship. You pick your topic (or partner), hope that there is enough information and interest (on both sides) and you research (get to know the other person), if something pops up, that doesn't work, you re-evaluate your approach. Really?!?!?!

While I hope that she was trying to be helpful, I can't help but want throat punch her. Because writing a paper is easily done. You make an outline, you research, you write. There really are no intangibles there. Relationships are full of uncontrollable variables, and intangibles.

Its an intangible thing that happens, and I often wonder if I have some sort of defect, and it won't ever happen for me. That while my friends tell me time and time again, how awesome I am, how much I have to offer in a relationship, and a multitude of other ways I "rock", I can't help but question if this is true, than why am I going through this. I wonder if the damage that I encountered when my 6 year long term relationship ended when I was 26, coupled with my failed engagement, mean I'm just too damaged to ever have that type of relationship. Which means I'm going to be feeling a lot of uneasiness for a long time.

Not Alone

2011-07-13T21:14:00.003-04:00

I was doing some work on the internet (AKA procrastination) and I found myself on Blogher. I'm going to guess that most people don't live under a rock and know what Blog-her is (if you don't check it out later, like after you read this post).

So I'm 'researching' on Blogher, and I do some key word searches for 'canceled wedding', 'failed engagement', and other uplifting terms. However, color me shocked when I found the writings of theAbandonedBride.

All I could think was 'OMFGWTFBBQ' there is someone else who went through this. Now, granted I know in the rational part of my brain that I can not statistically be the only person who has gone through a canceled wedding (because if that was the case then sites like IDoNowIDont.com wouldn't exist).

I digress. So back to theAbandonedBride. Now granted, her fiancee canceled their wedding, so the roles were sort of reversed but so much of her writing hit home.

So, since there seems to be a lack of 'I canceled my wedding WTF' blogs, resources out there, I felt that I need to share not just the links but some of the quotes that really resinated with me.

Just for clarification, the links are her writing. Just as the items in blue that are italics are snippetts from her writing. However, the reason I posted them were those were feelings that I felt/or things that I thought. Sorry for any confusion.
Planning History

In addition to the obvious heartache and shock of a broken engagement, I could not get over the fact that the future was not behaving as I had told it to. I really can't even say how many times I was all WTF, this was NOT my plan. I should be married but I'm not.
The worst part of having my wedding cancelled so abruptly at the same time my hero’s presidential hopes began to crumble was that I completely lost faith in plans. Making plans had become such an important part of my life that the lines between planning and living actually became blurred.

First of the Worst

The worst part of having your wedding cancelled on you is the immediate and terrifying realization that you are a person who’s had their wedding cancelled on them. That’s you. Left at the proverbial altar. For many people who know you, that fact is now your identity.

Running Late

The worst part about thinking you’re getting married soon and this then proving to be erroneous is that it makes your whole life suddenly and drastically behind schedule. No matter how little you may have cared about the timing of your wedding and children and career before you made your marriage plans, once you find yourself forced back to square one, I guarantee that stupid biological clock women talk about will make its first unmistakable tick

Enabling my Way Down the Aisle

The worst part about being left at the altar is that, metaphorically or not, you’re up there all alone. You can’t look to anyone else but yourself
There were, I can freely admit now, many unhealthy aspects to the relationship between my former fiancé and me
But standing up there on my figurative altar, the bouquet that never was wilting in my hand, I realized that every one of those excuses had helped escort me down that aisle.
I had been putting my own happiness on hold to keep another person balanced from day to day. For all intents and purposes, I ceased to exist for the benefit of another person. He may have been a wonderful, beautiful, genuinely good person, but that's no excuse. I'm all of those things too; who was putting their life on hold for me?

The Presence of a Silver Lining

The worst part about having your wedding cancelled weeks before the ceremony is that no one knows how to react. And believe me, this is a time in your life when you need people to say and do the right things. You need the people you love to be there, but they don't necessarily know what to do. It's like being in a sudden, tragic storm; the dark clouds both bring the rain you need shelter from and steal the light you needed to find your way home.
But when happens when you’re in something more than a long-term relationship, but something less than a marriage and it ends? What is the common cultural knowledge about a broken engagement? I’ll tell you, because I just found out – it’s close to nil.
No one I knew had ever had their engagement broken off in this way before. I never knew if someone was doing the right thing until after they’d done it. I felt more helpless and clueless than I’d ever felt in my life,

Brain vs. Body

Cleaning up after the emotional oil spill of a cancelled wedding is something you ask for help with; navigating through physical withdrawal from a bodily companion is a maze no one can help you find your way out of. Waiting and aching seem to be the only thoroughfares.

I wouldn't date me either

The worst part about being an abandoned bride is feeling that the sigma of being a crazy, permanent-brizezilla-out-for-revenge will follow you for the rest of your life.
No, no. I was just stating that as a fact, not as a…oh, nevermind. It is a fact that weirds people out; it makes you a different person than you just were to them. There’s not much to be done about that.
In my mind, this unavoidable truth is bound up in the fact that, abandoned or not, brides scare boys. And because of what happened to me, I am somehow this never-ending, even-more-bitter-and-crazy-than-usual, twlight zone version of a bride. This could be exacerbated by creating a blog dedicated to this fact. Let’s not go there.

Winning theBlame Game by Refusing to Play

He finally begins to voice concerns about our relationship just weeks before the event. I ask him, “If you’ve always felt this way, why did you ask me to marry you?”
The point is that I have a propensity for accepting the blame for everything, because I believe I can fix everything. I can find the magical time to talk to him, the magical place for my head or the magical way to inspire a sincere marriage proposal. Then I'm the hero for finally making him happy

Seriously, read these posts. I wish theAdandonedBride still had her blog up, but she doesn't. =( Seriously, read these. If you're trying to understand what its like to cancel your wedding, and be in this 'secret sorority' read this. It will help you understand.

And while if you end up joining my sorority of 'canceled wedding/failed engagement' I'm sorry that you're a member. However, know that you aren't alone.

fail

2011-07-13T15:27:00.001-04:00

At least thats how I feel. I had had 3 job interviews in my field, and I haven't gotten one of them yet. The 1st interview was for a job that I was asked to apply for. Where I was told I would be a perfect fit. My 4th rotation supervisor heard about it, talked me up, and then I interviewed. Interview went ok, and I haven't heard one way or the other. But I wouldn't be shocked if I didn't get this job.

The 2nd job was with a firm I did my 3rd rotation with. Where I worked right under the director. I really thought I had a good chance with that one. The interview went well, they knew what I could do. However, I haven't heard from that job either. Since its been nearly 3 months since the interview, I wouldn't be shocked to find out 'officially' I didn't get it.

The 3rd interview was for a newly created position. It would have been very similar to what I did in my 4th rotation. The interview went great. I was in the interview for close to 70 minutes. However, I got an email today telling me that there were more qualified applicants that better meet the needs of the position.

So 3 job interviews, and no job. Which is now making me wonder did I make a mistake going for my PhD. Have I wasted all my time, money, effort etc, and I will not get a job? Is that possible? Seriously I feel sick to my stomach. I'm so upset about this lack of job offers, that I'm crying in frustration and because I feel like a failure. Now granted I'm suppose to be working within my department again this year (thank god or else I'd be really freaking out), but I was really hoping to get back into the clinical side of things.

Here's to hoping that I did put myself in 200K only to find out I suck at what I studied.

2011-07-12T14:15:00.001-04:00

I can not explain this but every time I cross paths with some one who is developmentally delayed or is mentally disabled its just pulls at my heart. And nearly reduces me to tears bc I just want to hug them.

Weight Watchers Update

2011-07-12T11:15:00.000-04:00

I've been doing and paying for Weight Watchers (WW) for 8 weeks now. And I have to admit, I have had some great progress intially. And don't get me wrong I was so stoked about it. I thought, "Yes,!!! I'm finally losing the weight that was an issue with my ex for so long. I feel healthy!"

However, I have to admit I'm a bit discouraged. My weight loss attempts have seemed to have stalled. Since I'm a nerd here comes some visuals

Sad face, #fail is how I feel. However, rather than wallow in it, I'm going to really buckle down, and get back on track. Wish me luck that I reach my goal weight of 155 before my friends wedding!

nausea

2011-07-07T16:10:00.000-04:00

And the reason why is related to my ex. I was messing around with my twitter feed, and did a search for people I should follow based on email addresses in my address book. [the reason the ex's email is still in my address book is so IF he would email me, its filtered into spam, same reason he's in my phone so any texts/phone calls are blocked]

So anyways I see he's got a twitter account, no biggie, but seeing his picture basically knocks the breath out of me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't explain why, but it does. It makes me shaky, nervous, nauseated, and so uneasy. It induces chills that run down my spine.

Maybe its because I came so close to losing myself to the Wedding Industrial Complex, that I was willing to have my 'one day' and submit to a lifetime [or more appropriately till I opted to divorce him, because we all know that'd happen at some point, and sadly people were taking bets as to when]. And maybe its because I spent most of today watching ridiculous shows about weddings, that I'm feeling so uneasy.

But I can't deny that it isn't weird, and unsettling when the ex pops into my life via some form of social networking.

Happy Birthday America

2011-07-03T22:22:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post to say thank you to all the men & women who protect our country. You are beyond brave, and I thank you for all you do!

Happy 4th of July everyone! I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow! Stay safe!

Daddy's Girl & Big Girl Panties

2011-06-30T14:36:00.000-04:00

Despite being in my 30s (which I can't believe I can say now?!?!) I am, always have been and most likely will always be a 'daddy's girl'. My dad and I have a very close relationship. My mom claims it has been that way from start.

When I was born nearly 4 months early, and my mom was finally released from the hospital (after she'd been on bed-rest at the hospital for nearly 2 months, missing Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Year's Eve) she was ready to get the heck-out of there. Screw the fact that I was in an incubator, a tiny peanut who gave the nurses many troubles, she just wanted to go home. However, her plan to leave was foiled by my dad. Now keep in mind my dad is ex law enforcement. He can be a pretty scary dude. Yet, my mom says she had never seen my dad cry until she was released from the hospital and I had to stay. At the hospital in the incubator (which I call the 'cooker') for an extra month. Eventually my mom managed to convince my dad that I'd be ok with the nurses and that they'd come back and see me tomorrow. But to please just take her home.

According to my mom this is where my dad's and my unique relationship started. Growing up, I learned and came to know that if I needed help with something, I called my dad. If I had a problem I talked to my dad about it. Good news or bad news to share, my dad knew about it 1st. My dad was always there to give me a hug when I fell off the beam at a gymnastics competition, or when I struck out in softball. He was also there to celebrate me graduating from his Alma Matter with both my Master's and Bachelor's Degree.

Bottom line. My dad and I are close. So when I moved out on my own into my 100+ year old house, and had house related issues, I obviously called my dad for help. And he was always there for me. Until today.

Since my house is so old, at times I get a mouse or two. So once I saw the mouse, after appropriately freaking out, I set trap and went about my day. I checked the trap the next day, and no dice. My dad sent me a text asking if I got "Mickey" and I said no.

This morning, I got up to take my wunderpup out, and figured I'd check the trap. Imagine my surprise when I saw 1/2 of "Mickey" hanging out of the trap on its back. Especially since I spent the extra money on the traps that were suppose to trap the mouse, and you never see it. Lies. See example

LIES LIES LIES

I get the wunderpup outside, and put her in the car. With the car on, and AC running. Because I don't want her to be uncomfortable. (Yes, I know I'm crazy). So I do what any self-respecting Daddy's Girl would do. I call my dad. This was how the conversation went down:

Me: Dad, Dad, Dad what are you doing, where are you?!?!
Dad: I'm driving home from getting gas.
Me: Oh thank god. Can you come over? I caught the mouse, but he's like semi-decapataed and hanging out of the trap. And I even spent the extra money on the trap where you're not suppose to see the ------
Dad: No. You're 30. You deal with dead people, all the time. Get a shovel, and broom, and get ride of it
Me: Whahaaha? You're my dad. You HAVE to do this.
Dad: What if I was out of town? You need to do this on your own (I should note that my dad was laughing at me that I was so freaked out by the mouse)
Me: I.CAN'T.BELIEVE.YOU YOU'RE MY DAD. I'M GOING.

Next step is to call my mom to report my dad's horrid behavior. However, she also found it amusing, laughed at me, and also said, 'you're 30'.

[sidenote] do they REALLY have to keep reminding me that I am 30?!?! /[end sidenote]

Not getting the appropriate response from my mom, I summoned my 'big girl panties' and addressed the situation. I got a broom and shovel and got rid of "Mickey'. Cursing my father the entire time.

Once "Mickey" had been removed, I called my dad back, ranting at him for not coming to save the day. His response, "Well you did it didn't you You're such a big girl!"

Thanks for the lesson dad.

I'm Over It

2011-06-21T20:35:00.002-04:00

Something I tweeted earlier today.-- i'm giving up on the happily ever after, the idea of Mr. Right, and the dream of a white wedding. BC those things are not going to happen 4 me.

I realized today, that I've honestly given up on the idea of happily ever after. The idea of finding my 'soul mate' and having my wedding. I'm also beyond sick of having people tell me that "You'll find him when you stop looking" or "He's out there, you just haven't found him yet". I'd imagine that my friends who have lost a loved one feel the same way when people tell them "things happen for a reason" or "God needed another angel". (Please note, that I'm not comparing my feelings to those of my dear friends who've lost their loved ones, because I'm not. They're very different things, however, its the only thing I could relate the unnecessary use of tired cliches to) Because honestly if one more of my engaged/married friends tell me that 'I'm awesome, and it'll happen"or some other combination of the tired cliches, I seriously think I'm going to throat punch them. While I'm sure that they feel like they're giving me great advice and hope, frankly I just want to tell you to fuck off. You're married. You're engaged. You've already paired off. You can sit back in and relax in your firm knowledge that you will never have to face the things that single people worry about again. Because you've paired off.

To my friends who are married/engaged, you don't get to spout these tired cliches at me. Why? Because you are NOT single, facing the prospect of being single at 30 (or even older), re-entering the dating pool, seriously I could go on for days. You my friend are engaged or married. You never have to worry about going on a 1st date again, or doing a cost/benefit analysis of ending a relationship, of putting yourself out there waiting for a guy to call but never hearing the phone ring. You don't have to worry being broken up with again, and experiencing the gamet of emotions that occur in the aftermath of a break up.

You'll never have to scramble for a wedding date, or get a wedding invitation addressed to your name and guest (which is a huge mind fuck after you spent the better part of 18 months engaged, and I'll openly admit that I was a smug paired off person during that time). Those of you who've paired off, won't have get out there for the bouquet/garter toss at weddings (which I LOATHE, way to rub in your newly married status in my face) and fake excitement about 'catching the bouquet'. Frankly, I'd rather eat glass than have to participate in the bouquet toss at my friend's wedding in August. Because frankly, knowing the guest list, its gonna be me up there with the children. SHOOT ME.

I don't believe that when its right its right, or that when you find him you'll know. Or even that when you stop looking he'll show up. Because guess what. At one point in time I thought I knew. I thought it was right. And well. Obviously it wasn't. So if I thought it was right and it wasn't, obviously I shouldn't trust my judgement. And I don't believe that it comes down to finding the right person at the right time. Because its pretty apparently there isn't a right person or a right time.

I'm just over it. I'm over the 1st dates, the bad dates, the will he call, won't he call, when do you know, how do you know. Because I don't think you ever know. I firmly believe most marriages are held together by spit and a prayer, coupled with the crossing of fingers and hopes that it works out. Because if there was that one person for everyone than the nearly 50% of marriages that end in divorce wouldn't be ending.

The closer it gets to my friend's wedding the more and more I realize that I have no desire to go down that road again. To get engaged, to get married, to settle down, to have kids (which lets face it at 30, with bunk lady junk that window is nearly sealed shut). To completely intertwine my life with someone else's. Because when you think about it, nothing lasts. Nothing works all the time. So why do we set our selves up for failure.

Lets reframe the divorce rate. Lets say there was a medical procedure that only worked 1/2 the time. And if it didn't work, you will end up hurt, upset, sad, in debt, rebuilding your life and redefining your role in life. Your friend comes to you saying she wants this procedure. Would you let your friend have that procedure? Me? I'd say fuck no. No way! Honestly, that procedure would never be allowed with a failed efficacy rate of 50%. However, with marriage we happily turn a blind eye, to let our friends trapeze down the aisle and hope that it works out. But it doesn't 1/2 end in divorce. Knowing that, why do we keep searching for the 'rom-com' idea of the happy ending?

1 Month on Weight Watchers

2011-06-16T11:29:00.001-04:00

I was going to wait to post about this on Friday, when I normally weigh in, but I had some time now so I figured I'd just get it done with.

I've officially been on WW for a month. And I have to admit that I'm pretty pleased with the progress I've made. Since I'm a total nerd, I figured I'd share some visuals.

Inches Lost

Weight Lost

Tracking Stats

So If you will notice I've lost nearly 9 pounds and quite a few inches off my body!

Personally, I can't really see a big difference, but I've been getting complimented more on my appearance. And apparently one of Flower Boy's friends asked him if I was doing anything different, because I look 'wicked hot'. I'll take that as a compliment.

When I opted to do WW I figured I'd give it 3 months, and then see where I stand. I can happily say at the end of month 1 I plan to keep with it.

Whats

I feel like such an asshole

2011-06-14T12:05:00.000-04:00

Last week, was a very rough week. For whatever reason, the universe took too many lives of people and babies that were so young.

While my heart and thoughts were with those who lost their children, a good friend who is local, lost her sister very, very unexpectedly last Thursday. This friend, who I've come to know via Flower Boy, also lost her mom a mere 2 months ago.

My heart breaks as I type that for her. We (flower boy & I) spent the weekend with them, mainly helping our friend prepare her home since she would be having people at her home in between viewing services. Sunday was spent helping her tidy up.

The viewing was yesterday and I went to pay my respects. I also went to her house to help set things up for the people who would be there in between viewings. I made sure the food was set up, drinks were ready etc. When it was time for my friend and her family to return to the funeral home, I stayed to make sure food was put away, the dishes were done, and things were handled. Because the last thing she needs to do when she returns home from the viewing of her older sister is having to clean up after hosting people.

I mentioned at work that this happened, and my boss said that if I felt I needed to be there, since Flower Boy would be reading at the funeral mass, that I could take the day. I was a little bit hesitant to take today, since the next day, I needed off to meet with some people. (keep your fingers crossed it goes well, hopefully I'll have some good news to share soon).

I spoke to my good friend about this. She were a bit leery of me taking 2 days off, when I was scheduled to work, especially since it was only a friend and that I had done stuff prior to the viewing, etc. My friend also gave me a stern talking to about the state of my relationship with flower boy. (He mentioned possibly moving in together, however I still have some MASSIVE trust issues that I'm not sure I'll ever get passed with him, based on past experiences with him. I've been floundering about what I want, which at the present time I have no clue?! Does that even make sense?)

My friend basically laid it out that it seemed like we were in 2 very different spots in our relationship. He seeming to see me at 'this is it' (which I have a hard time believing, especially since I still see him as such a player, messed up I know). Where I am much more reserved. That is fun spending time on the weekends together, and I'm no where near ready to talk about possible 'next steps' until he can prove himself to me. (Don't even ask me what I expect him to do, because I have no idea).

My friend talked me out of going to the funeral because, I need to keep in mind that I'm not married to Flower Boy, and that I should keep in mind what other people are thinking, because by me going to the funeral mass/wake it would some how equal people perceiving us as a much more serious couple than we are. (To be honest, some days I really like the idea of us [Flower Boy & I] being together, and taking the next steps, however it seems like the next day, I'm in a near panic attack at the thought of going down that road again, which also means a much increased likelihood of failure & hurt).

So I came into work today. I was at peace with my decision. I spoke to Flower Boy in the morning, and he was headed to the wake. I texted him at 1130ish to see how things were going. And this was our exchange:

me: how are things going?
Flower Boy (aka FB): rough
me: Really? Thats horrible? Was it worse than her mom? Are you ok?
FB: Yeah, it was way worse.
me: I feel like such an asshole that I came to work? Did you cry?
FB:Its all good. No worries, her hubby is taking the rest of the week off, and yes I cried
me: Its not all good. I feel like a jackass for working
FB: I'm still going to try to head to work (he does shift work from 3-11)
me: ok. let me know what I can do

I feel like such a jackass for letting my friend talk me into not being there for Flower Boy and my friend. I really regret working. Not much I can do now.

Prayers

2011-06-09T22:39:00.000-04:00

Please send my dear friend as many thoughts, prayers, vibes, and love as possible. Last night, 2 new angel babies were born, only to join their big sisters in heaven.

My heart's been heavy all day. So many of my thoughts have been with my friend, her husband, and her family.

I've been following her twitter feed and its been heart breaking. Heartbreaking because I know how wanted and loved these babies are. The type of loss she's experienced is something that no woman should have to go through, let alone re-live.

Part of me can't believe that this is happening to my friend again. Because what are the odds that you'll end up with 2 2nd trimester losses at almost the exact same time.

I hate the feeling of helplessness I feel. I hate that the medical community couldn't keep these beautiful and loved angels alive. I'm angry too. Angry thast this is happening again. And it shouldn't be.

I can't believe this is happening to them again. I can't believe this loss. I can't believe my friend is tweeting about having to say good bye to her beautiful babies.

Its not fair. There truly are no words.

Can you spare some thoughts?

2011-06-06T21:50:00.000-04:00

One of the coolest things about being a 'blogger' is the fact that you connect with people from all over. Sometimes people have a way of popping into your life in the most unexpected way. I got to know the amazingly strong, and all around awesome author from Built-In Birth Control .

Honestly, I have no idea how our paths crossed. I know that I recieved a comment from her in early 2010. She left a link to her blog and I checked it out. I read her story, which broke my heart. Throughout 2010 we became friends. While our methods of communication tend to be blog post comments and tweets, we went from being internet strangers to friends. True friends. And when I called off my wedding, she was there. And continues to be there for me to this day.

So when I got the chance to actually meet her, I jumped on it. And she was even more awesome and amazing that I thought. (I know I sound like I have a girl crush, but really she is just that awesome!!!!). Though we only hung out once due to logistical reasons, she has become a great and amazing friend. While our friendship may not be 'normal' since we communicate via blog comments, and tweets, but I know that if I need her I can always 'call on her'.

So when I was catching up on my tweets, my heart broke when I read what was happening to her. The very, very, very short version of the story is this:

She lost her twin girls at 20 weeks in late 2009. She has/had a wicked case of endo and now has no tubes left. She and her husband (who is equally as awesome, and I know this because I met him too) tried IVF a few times and got lucky. And by lucky I mean she's carrying twins. This time a boy and girl. She is at the 21 week mark and started having problems, and now she will be on bedrest until delivery. Her next goal is 23.5 weeks.

Since I am unable to be there and visit her in person, I'm doing what every good blogger friend does. I'm posting about it, and then asking you to go send her some love. Because I know she needs it. I can't even imagine what she is going through right now, especially since her husband is in the service and out of the country for a few more weeks.

So, whether you stop by her blog and leave a comment, or just offer up a thought or prayer, I would be super grateful. Here is to hoping that she makes it to her 23.5 week goal!!!

2011-06-02T12:05:00.000-04:00

I've been sort of all over the place recently. I started back to work, which I'm so grateful that I was able to take the time off when I had mono. It still seems so strange that I slept through almost the whole month of april.

Its June & it means that wedding season is in full swing. I've always loved looking at other people's weddings. Seeing their joy and happiness on such a life altering day used to warm my heart. I used to look longingly at the wedding pictures and wonder if I'd look that happy on my wedding day. We all know how that turned out.

While I'm in a much better place than I was before emotionally, mentally etc. I can't help looking at the wedding pictures and thinking, are they really that happy? Will the couple really last? Maybe I'm jaded, bitter, and still somewhat grieving of what would have been, despite knowing that it would have been nothing but sadness, and unhappiness.

I'm in a wedding in August. The shower is this weekend. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know its not about me at all, but I can't help but have this gut punched reaction to all things wedding related. I'm hoping that I'll be so busy that the time will fly by.

I've been in this weird sort of apathetic place in regards with my relationship. I feel and know that I still totally have my guard up. And I'm starting to wonder if this is as far as my guard will ever go down. I know everyone comes into a relationship with baggage, but I can't help but think that my baggage will always be this bad.

A Weighty Issue

2011-05-27T09:45:00.000-04:00

I've been debating a bit about writing about this. Especially since I wrote about it in the past. After some mulling over it, I obviously have decided to write about it.

I've always have a struggle with my weight. I've been on both ends of the spectrum of unhealthy under-eating and unhealthy over-eating. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder when I was 24 but it was something I hid and truly struggled with since I was about 14 and a gymnast.

While I love my parents and think they're amazing. I wish they would have instilled in my the importance of a healthy, balanced diet & daily exercise. Especially since my eating habits that I had as a child/teen were basically eating whatever I wanted and I didn't gain. Especially since I was MUCH more active. In college my eating habits were so unhealthy. I would bounce between binging & purging. It didn't help that my 'little' in my sorority also struggled with an eating disorder, and there was an unspoken competition on who could eat the least/be the skinniest. Totally unhealthy.

As an adult working, at a sports company, my weight took a hit and I ended up losing more weight in an unhealthy manner. By working out 3Xs a day and eating a very small and unhealthy number of calories.

When I decided to go back to school, is when the weight really started to creep on. Between my course schedule, course work, residency requirements, papers, midterms, finals, etc my eating habits basically reverted back to how they were as a child. Pizza, chips, fast food. However, since I was in school I really wasn't (ok I wasn't at ALL) doing any type of activity. Between starting my masters and where I am now I gained about 35 pounds. Which is a lot for someone of my stature. AKA super, freakin' short.

My weight was an on going battle with my ex. He wanted me to lose weight & didn't really care if I did it in a healthy or unhealthy manner. He just wanted the weight off. Since he put so much pressure on me, my weight became a point of a power struggle. And needless to say after my wedding was canceled, I reverted to comfort food.

This basically brings me up to the present. I can't pin-point a reason, or moment that I realized that if I kept up my current eating habits, things wouldn't be pretty. There is certainly a vanity aspect to this as well. I realized that I'm in a wedding in about 90 days & I wasn't really happy about how I looked. I also realized I had no idea what a balanced diet looked like. And that if I ever have a family I want to be able to provide them with a balenced and healthy diet.

So being a research nerd I looked at a variety of options. I decided to go with Weight Watchers (disclosure- I am in no way being paid or given compensation from them at all). The reason is that they have a long standing history of success and focus on eating a balenced diet. Enjoying treats but not at ever meal.

So I signed up for the on-line only program and started tracking EVERYTHING that went into my mouth. I busted out my food scale & even started going to the grocery store. I've been planning and packing my food for about the last 2 weeks. And I'm happy to say its paid off. I'm down about 5 lbs and 12 1/2 inches.

But more importantly I'm eating fruits & veggies. I'm learning what portion sizes are, and how to make better food choices. And that is even more rewarding than losing the inches & pounds. Because this is something that I can take with my throughout my life.

a dead bird on the porch

2011-05-20T16:43:00.000-04:00

means someone close to you will die. At least that is what Dr. Google tells me.

When I came home today I saw a small bird that appeared dead sitting right below my front door. After eliciting the proper girly response, screaming, jumping up and down and calling FB for help. I did what any good researcher would do. I googled dead bird on porch. The reason was a few years ago when West Nile was bad, I remember being told to call animal control.

Being awesome FB turned around and came to my rescue. Only after laughing at me standing outside with rubber gloves on, and a Swifter to 'poke' the bird. The poor bird looked to have a broken wing and couldn't really walk so FB scooped him up on a shovel and moved him to my back yard.

Not even 15 minutes after he left, I got a text from my mom. Her brother (my uncle who is know as Uncle Douchebag) had texted her to let her know that

'it was confirmed ysterday that my aunt has stage 4 incurable breast cancer that has spread to her bones, kidney, liver & lymph nodes. god's peace be with you and your family'

I won't even touch the fact that my mom and her brother no longer speak, and he texted that.

Which ties back into the dead bird on the porch. My aunt is dying. There is no treatment for her. When you are staged with cancer Stage 4 is you're fucked.

From webmd- treatment of stage IV breast cancer does not provide a cure for the disease. By shrinking the cancer, treatment can slow down the disease, make you feel better, and let you live longer.

I don't know what to say. I'm at a total loss. We aren't a close family. But I can't even imagine how my cousins are feeling. Getting the phone call to let them know that their mother is dying. And there really isn't much that can be done. My heart breaks for them.

Part of me wants to reach out to my aunt. To tell her how sorry I am regarding her diagnosis. But we aren't close. When I saw her in February, we blatantly ignored each other. So I don't know.

I just feel so badly for them. My heart breaks for them.

This sums it up

2011-05-19T22:16:00.000-04:00

There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone, it was because if I thought I loved someone, and then it feel apart... I might not make it. Its easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love. And then you don't have it? What if you like it, and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. Its like dying. The only difference is death ends. This.. it could go on forever. - Meredith Grey, Season 7 finale.

Quick and Dirty

2011-05-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

I'm still around. There has been a lot of thoughts floating about my head, but by the time I have a chance to sit down and write, my thoughts escape me.

I'm slowly getting better. This is my first full week back at work. Its been a bit taxing.

Last night we celebrated my grandfather's 89th birthday. Which was nice, but we also found out that my aunt, who I've had a history of problems with is reported to have breast, bone and kidney cancer at a minimum. She'll be coming up to my hometown to be evaluated for treatment. Bone cancer is a nasty, nasty thing. And while my aunt isn't my favorite person, I still feel badly for her family. I haven't really wrapped my head around this yet.

I have a busy weekend coming up this weekend, so I won't be writing then. Hopefully I'll feel more like writing after this weekend.

productivity .. at its worst

2011-05-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

So I feel like I've finally started to turn the corner with mono. So I woke up early (9am & for me with the mono thats early), sorted my laundry. Loaded up my dishwasher, and set them to run. Ironically I get a tweet from a friend saying "Woah... you can run both at the same time? How awesome!!". Which is when I notice that its too quite to hear my dishwasher running.

I walk into my kitchen and notice that the fuse is blown. Which poses a little bit of a problem. My fuse box is in my land lord's basement. Which is fine. Except the only way I can get to it, is through his house.

So now, I'm wondering if its too early to go pound on his door and ask him to reset my fuse.

ugh. I guess its true what they say about 'best intentions'

Why work with the dying?

2011-05-03T18:44:00.000-04:00

I still have the mono but I'm slowly starting to feel better. I still can't eat too much, and I still get super tired after doing routine things, but I was able to shower AND get ready with out needing a nap upon me finishing getting ready. I suppose baby steps are all I can take with this. I've also been cautioned by people who have had mono in the past to not over-do it. Which I have a tendency to do. I'm always that person who takes anti-biotics and starts to feel better, so I don't finish the anti-biotics [even when the label says continue to take the antibiotics even if you feel better] and only end up even sicker, for longer. I know, I should know better, [and I do] however, doctors make shitty patients.

I also got some work done on my dissertation proposal. My adjusted time line looks something like this:

Submit 1st initial short proposal draft to my advisor by 6/15
If given the okay work towards completing long proposal draft by 8/13
In the month of September defend my long proposal draft
If given the okay work on dissertation chapters from September - February
Defend full dissertation in March/April
officially become a doctor in May

This feels so crazy to me. It feels like only a short time ago I was laid off from what I thought was my 'dream job' [it wasn't I cried every day before work, I actually hated it that much] to now being about 10-12 months out from being a doctor. So freakin' crazy.

My dissertation topic has changed slightly its broken down like this.

Analysis of End of Life last resort treatment options

Addressing the ethical distinction between assisted dying and terminal/palliative sedation

My argument is basically this, that yes palliative care/hospice does help people when they are facing a terminal diagnosis. I believe that hospice is one service that everyone in the United States is eligible for that should be utilized but isn't [thats a rant/post for another day]. However, there comes a point in time where the individual's suffering is too much to bear. What do you do? I believe that by allowing assisted dying (like Oregon does) and terminal sedation have a place in the realm of palliation. I believe that by allowing these two things it allows the individual who is suffering from a terminal illness some control and dignity back into their lives. I know that this argument is highly controversial, but I firmly believe that by having these options can truly provide individuals who are suffering the best palliative care possible.

This topic has fascinated me since I first learned about the hospice theory back in my Master's classes. To me death is something that should be celebrated. Because the person has left their mark on the world. No matter if their time on Earth was short or long, the lives that the dying individual touched will never be the same. And to me, that is something beautiful. Yes, death is sad. No one likes losing a loved one, but death is something we all face. When you really think about it, we're all on borrowed time. We never know when 'our number' will come up.

Since I entered the 'blogiverse' I've learned about so many families that have had children die. Their stories are heartbreaking, and gut-wrenching. However, perhaps their and their child's suffering could have been lessened if more support would have been given to the family? Or maybe the time that the family had together at the end of their loved ones life would have been more meaningful if the dying individual would not have suffered?

Death is never easy. I learned that when I lost my 1st hospice patient, with her family in the room. I was a 1st year intern who was just starting working in hospice, when my 1st death happened. I had just stepped into my patient's room to say hello to her family when the patient who was an elderly woman stopped breathing. While it may seem like a horrible death, it really was not. The woman was at peace. She was comfortable. And her family was with her. Like they wanted.

My hope is that by working in end of life I will be working towards providing those who are at the end of their lives a meaningful death. A death where they are surrounded by their loved ones. I'm not sure that I'll succeed but this is why I work and research in the area I do.

short ramblings

2011-05-02T12:51:00.000-04:00

I spent a lot of time this week with a friend who is getting married in August. I'm in her bridal party. And nothing makes me happier for my friend. But I can't help but have done some reflecting. And I realized something, that really want to be married and be a wife, with a good and happy marriage. And its not so much the wedding that I want but the life long partnership. And I feel like a failure that i don't have it and its not really on the horizon either. =(

tomorrow

2011-04-26T20:45:00.000-04:00

I'm a bridesmaid in one of my good friends wedding's this coming August. I am so honored and excited that she's asked me to be a part of her day. In fact, I was shocked she even asked me at all. But tomorrow, I'm doing something that I'm hoping won't reduce me to tears or ruin her day.

She's asked me to go with her for her hair and make up trial and then go to her dress fitting. Which is going to be so awesome for her, and I can't wait to see her all dolled up. But its kinda bitter sweet for me. Because I never got to do the dress fittings. And my dress is still hanging out in Manhattan, where the designer is. (Which does make it easier than actually having to know its at my parents house or something). Not that I could squeeze my fat ex-bride ass into my amazing dress right now any how.

Wedding stuff is still kinda touch and go with me. Some day I'm ok. I mean hell, I religiously look at the wedding announcements in my local paper ever week. And I still watch stupid bridal shows or go on websites like www.weddingbee.com every so often.

Right now I'm feeling a little bit unsure about everything. Because recently, I've been very omgwtfbbq about the fact that I'm 30, unmarried & don't have kids. That my plan that I made at 21 so didn't work out. And yes I know, I made the decision to cancel it, and it wasn't right, but I can't help but feel like I'm an old maid. And the chance of me ever getting to wear my awesome kick ass dress are getting slimmer and slimmer.

And yes, I have flower boy right now, but there are things that I'm some what leery about. Mainly because I'm so terrified to put myself out there and be like, okay warts and all lets try this.

Anyways I'm hoping for strength to get through the day and be a perfect bridesmaid for my awesome friend. Especially since when I canceled my wedding she flew up to be with me that weekend, especially since she was just here the weekend before for my wedding shower.

Easter & why I feel like an moron

2011-04-25T17:19:00.000-04:00

I started this post yesterday, but got too tired to finish it. Its likely to be more of a brain dump towards the end

1st Happy Easter to everyone. I'm hoping that everyone had a better day/weekend than I did. I feel like kind of an asshole for being such a grumpy pants, especially since it is Easter weekend. But I can't help it. Mono is seriously kicking my ass. I'm so tired all the freaking time. Tired in a way I've never been tired before. Like everything hurts, and I can't get comfortable tired. Its really annoying to be so tired, yet unable to sleep. And to feel like even regular every day things (showering, getting dressed with hair & make up done) wear me out so much. And kudos to my sister to asking if I could be knocked up. The answer to that is a resounding no.

This weekend seriously wore me out and I didn't even do anything remotely fun. It all started on Saturday when I went to check on my parents cats. They were out of town for the Easter holiday to Sister#2's house. When I got to their house, I noticed that Mr. B, Sister #3's cat, (who is in working in Asia), was rubbing his eye pretty consistently. Upon further examination, his 3rd eye lid looked like this:

source

Not sure what to do, I called my vet, who suggested I bring him in. How Mr. B hurt his eye we may never know, but after $150 in vet fees, and 3 hours later, we left the vets to return to my parents house. Since I wanted to make sure to keep an extra eye on their cats until my parents got home this morning.

I returned back to my house pack up the puppy and return to my parents place. I ended up getting a ton of work done for a project at school which was good. However, I was super tired all day & ended up in bed shortly there afterward.

Now, since this is the middle of week #3 with mono, (I'm counting April 7th as the day I 1st got sick) flower boy hasn't really been around. Now I know that being around a sick person who is A-sleeping, B- whining about how uncomfortable they are, and C- unable to drink, run, play sports or do anything remotely fun is not fun for the said party, but I think as part of the boyfriend code it is expected of you to do such a thing if your girlfriend is sick. (God is that a long run on sentence, I apologize).

Now, granted I cut flower boy some slack due to his work schedule (3rd shift). And I have to admit that he's been good about calling after work, however I'm normally passed out. And while he was off this weekend (Friday - Sunday) he did call me every morning to make sure I didn't need anything and see if I wanted anything.

Now since I wasn't feeling well, I was acting bratty. And I started sending flower boy some passive aggressive text messages, about how I'm so glad he's been over to see me, and how even one of my ex boyfriends (from 10 years ago) stopped by. I have to give flower boy credit. He knows me, and knows me well. So he replied by asking me what I wanted him to do, and then pointing out that he's called every day, texted me through out the day to see if needed anything or if i wanted to see him. And if I wanted to see him, all I had to do was say something Que record scratch. So I go back through the text messages and look. And he's right. I just wasn't paying attention, listening to him etc in my sickened state. Opps. My bad.

Like I said, flower boy knows me and knows how I get when I'm sick (seeing how I've had bronchitis twice since we've been together and the flu). We talked last night and I saw him today and now I feel better about things. I was just being a bitch, and I openly admitted that.

Now on to my brain dump:

I vacuumed today! Wahoo! My house doesn't appear as messy as it was.
I left the house with a tiny bit of make up on to pick up some paperwork
I'm still tired, my back hurts, and I'm nauseated but I don't feel so horrible. Fingers crossed I'm getting better.
I ate french fries today and learned that my stomach wasn't too happy about it. Back to gatorade and red popsicles and soup.
I have to go to work tomorrow so I'm a tiny bit nervous about it.

Baby Steps

2011-04-22T21:07:00.000-04:00

So my big accomplishment today was taking a shower AND blow drying my hair. I've also managed to check on my parents cat's TWICE since they're at sister #2's place for Easter, and I'm all by my lonesome.

So far I'm holding my own. Most of my time is spent on the couch watching horrible tv shows or Lifetime Movies ( a la William & Kate).

I'm still pretty achey, and my back/left flank pain is still pretty intense. And I managed to eat rice & a twice baked potato. And of course I'm still keeping a pretty steady diet of red popsicles.

Seeing how its 9pm, its about time for bed for me.

ICLW April 2011

2011-04-21T21:26:00.001-04:00

So since its about 12 hours later and I've gotten a good number of red popsicles in me, along with some delishous Compazine (for nausea, which lasted all day) I'm ready to post my 'welcome post'.

Its my 1st time doing ICLW. I'm super excited at the chance to 'meet' some other bloggers. My blog probably isn't like most other ICLW blogs. I don't write about infertility. Instead, I tell the story of my failed engagement (called of 2 months to the day of what would have been my wedding day), my life as a PhD candidate, granddaughter to a terminally ill grandmother, daughter to a permanently disabled mother & amazingly supportive father, & sister to 2 of the best girls around &. Despite the plans I foolishly made for myself (married at 25, house at 26, kids at 27, kid#2 at 29), my life couldn't be more different. Yet despite these 'failed plans' I've a very lucky girl.

So here is the quick and dirty about me with links that will explain the the history of my blog.

November 2008: Got engaged
January 2009: Drama starts with what is now my ex-Future In Laws
March 2009: 1st I hate wedding planning post & Buy my awesome wedding dress
July 2009: We pick a date & venue
April 2010: Questioning Starts & Big Time ex-FIL drama & the follow up
June 2010: My Sister gets married (the ex-fiancee does not attend) & more ex FIL drama
August 2010: More Drama
September 2010: The Miserable Bride, the Break Down I, The Break Down II, The Break Down III
November 2010: Day Before What Would Have Been My Wedding, What Would Have Been My Wedding Day,
March 2011: 6 Months Since I Called Off my Wedding
April 2011: Memories Rushing Back

Welcome new & old readers!

Mono.. Week 3

2011-04-21T09:31:00.000-04:00

Iz still haz it. And it's kicking my butt. Since its the 21st and the start of

IComLeavWe: April 2011 I was really hoping to have some awesomely witty, fun posts. However, mono is kicking my ass. Hard core. Its like the worst flu I've ever had. I am achey, tired, feverish, have chills, and am exhausted. Like going from my bedroom to the bathroom requires an hour nap. And the back pain, oh god. No one told me about the back pain (per my doctor, its from my spleen being enlarged and pressing on my stomach). Worst. Pain. Ever.

I've also started having bouts of nausea & vomiting (like I did yesterday on the way home from work. Working a full day = bad idea. Thankfully my dad was driving, and we were at a red light, on a main intersection, so I was able to open the door and puke my brains out. Not my finest moment). Last night I couldn't keep anything down. Right now I'm working on some Gatorade. However, I'm still feeling really queasy so I'm not sure what else I'll be ingesting today. Also added in the mix is horrible headaches, like migraine style. After calling my doctor's office since this is the start of Week 3 with #themono, its been decided that I've likely picked up a GI Bug on top of having mono. Not cool.

Flower Boy thinks I over did it on Sunday & Monday going to a funeral for a close friend. Now, keep in mind that on Sunday, Flower Boy insisted on picking me up, taking me to said funeral viewing, hovering over me, taking me to get soup & then home. Monday I was allowed to drive myself but by Monday afternoon I was whipped.

So my house continues to be in a state of shambles. My laundry is overflowing. And I haven't been writing. Which I miss so much. You'd think with having mono I'd have all these great posts done, since I'm spending so much time in the supine position. (Thats nerd speak for on my back) but the idea of opening my MacBook Pro and writing just brings on the exhaustion.

However the only benefit of mono, is that since 4/7 I've gone down a pants size. Which I attribute to my diet of red popsicles (I've got about 30 grape ones that are free to a good home) and mashed potatoes.

Seeing how I've been up for a good 30 minutes, its now time for me to take my 1st nap of the day.

helpless

2011-04-14T21:47:00.000-04:00

Thats how I feel. I went to the doctors on Wednesday despite not feeling any better. The doctor did his thing, felt my enlarged spleen, the ulcers on my throat, coupled with the symptoms I was complaining of (horrible fatigue, soreness, swollen glands, headaches, fever/chills, basically feeling like crap) and deduced that I had mono. He did some blood work, which leads me into a side rant.
[side rant] which his office left a cheerful message saying "HI we have your blood work, call us back. Why they do this, I'll never know, because now I'll spend the next 12ish hours worrying that I have something totally horrific wrong with me, because I'm super tight with Dr. Google.[/end side rant]).

With mono there really isn't much you can do other than treat the symptoms, and rest. Which is what I've been doing. Mono sucks. I get tired unloading the dishwasher, going from the couch to the bathroom, etc. I've been living on a solid diet of Rita's Water Ice & popsicle (only red & orange, I hate grape). I better get skinny from this or I'm going to be wicked pissed off.

So when flower boy called to tell me that his childhood friend, had died very unexpectedly in New York, I felt so helpless. I haven't seen him, or really been able to comfort him. Since I am now part cat and sleep like 18 hours a day. Which makes me feel like a horrible girlfriend. This feeling of being a crap girlfriend was exacerbated when I found out from him that the a friend he is very close with, which lead to me getting to know them, had unexpectedly lost her mom.

We normally eat dinner with this friend & her husband (who flower boy is really tight with) every Sunday, sometimes Saturdays too. And I'm at a loss for what I can do for them. So now I feel like a bad friend, and girlfriend.

Flower Boy is probably going to New York this weekend for the funeral, which I will not be going to for obvious reasons. I hate that I won't be going. I hate that I can't sit in the car and hold his hand, and do what I can to make this better.

I'm probably going to go to the friend who lost her mom's viewing. I want to send food or flowers over. But I'm not sure what. I didn't want to call because I'm sure they are getting inundated with phone calls, so I sent her an email. Which seems so impersonal and not enough.

I hate not being there for people. Especially when it comes to things related to death. Because death is my thing. Its what I know. It's what I can help people with. And I really hate feeling so helpless.

the mono

2011-04-13T13:12:00.000-04:00

Iz haz it. And I'm not happy about it. I've never been so miserable before in my life. I went back to the doctor since I wasn't feeling any better since the weekend hospitalization, and the doctor was all, ummm you have mono. I can feel your spleen. He then proceeded to tell me a story about how when he was doing his residency, one of the guys in his residency got mono too, so a bunch of the interns were manipulating it, and the spleen burst. My response - ummm stop poking mine, it hurts!!!! I'm also exhausted. So I'm going to pass out on my couch now since the mere act of walking to my bathroom requires a nap.

2011-04-10T20:10:00.000-04:00

I'm alive... but just barely. I started to get sick on Thursday evening, and by Saturday I was in the ER. Swollen face, swollen glands, chills, fever, couldn't talk or swallow bc it hurt so much. Being proactive I figured I'd head to the Minute Clinic at my local CVS. [Sidenote- these things are great. I've used them a few times now and they've really helped]. However, after being evaluated by the Nurse Practitioner, she felt it would be best if I went to the ER. So I called my mom and off we went. After a few hours in the hospital and being on the receiving end and some IV fluids, Torodal, a GI Cocktail, & a steroid shot I was sent home. With possible mono. Awesomeness. I ended up taking 2 naps yesterday before going to bed at about 945. I'm a crazy party animal. Today I woke up at noon and went to get more Rita's Frozen Water Ice (which is pure magic to my swollen throat) and promptly took a nap. I basically napped off and on all day today. I feel like I've been hit by a MAC truck. I've never been in so much pain.

Today my biggest accomplishments were showering, and eating mashed potatoes. Yup. I'm that awesome.

Sorry if this post doesn't make a ton of sense, but its all I got. I'm semi tried and in an Ibuprofen/Tylenol, viscous lidocaine state of mind and just feeling pretty out of it.

Looking Back

2011-04-05T20:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was doing some cleaning around my house, and came across 2 of my awesome shower invites a dear friend had created for me. But I'm torn as to what to do with them. I partly want to keep them because I so loved the design she did and I know how much work she put in to them. But on the other hand I don't want to because its a link to my past. And yes I know that your past is your link to your present and future blah, blah, blah-cakes. Right now its sitting on my sofa table, with the decision not yet made as to what to do.

Which brings me to another wedding related thing that happened today. My mom asked me to go to what would have been my wedding reception site to pick up our refund check. Now, I have to say my vendors have been 100% awesome. I would recommend them to anyone! Especially this vendor. However, as soon as I pulled up to the venue, I felt like I got stomach punched and the wind knocked out of me, all at the same time. I took a shaky breathe and attempted to compose myself and went inside.

Which promptly started the waterworks. At first it was just a few tears that I tried my hardest to blink back. Then while I was speaking to the woman who was helping me with refund, I got choked up, and my voice started cracking, and I full on ugly faced cried. I wasn't hysterical but there were a steady stream of tears flowing. Enough that I got sent home with numerous hugs and a handful of Kleenex.

The manager couldn't have been sweeter, saying things like "Well we'd be happy to help you next time, and its better to do it now than later". And all the other things that people have said to me when they learned that I canceled my wedding. While I was attempting not to cry, I was trying to apologize for taking so long to come and collect the deposit, but unfortunately I couldn't get the words out. After a hug good bye, I got in my car, and cried the whole way home.

I'm not sure what really got me. If it was that aside from my dress, the venue was probably the thing I was most excited about. (That and my dad walking me down the aisle). It was so unique and one of a kind and special. And I'm not sure if it was the fact that honestly the next time I was suppose to walk in there, it was in my amazing wedding gown and as a married woman. However, we all know how that ended.

Luckily I have some amazing, amazing, real-life and internet friends who via tweets and texts where supporting me. But like I told them "I'm still sad for so many reasons. I'm sad I didn't get to have my wedding day, wear my dream wedding gown, and have a kick ass party at an awesome place. I'm sad my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle, and I'm also worried. Worried that I'm going to be alone forever. Worried that I can't trust my gut relating to relationships. So many thoughts & feelings of sadness. Even though its been almost 7 1/2 months, today it seemed like just yesterday it was called off & I feel like I'm backsliding".

A lot of the time I feel like I have this canned robotic response I give to people when they ask about the wedding being canceled or other things related to my ex. The conversation normally goes something like this.

Person : Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you canceled your wedding. How are you doing? (Keep in mind that there is normally this horrificially pitying look given to me after asking the question)

My Canned Response: (queuing up the smile) Well, it was certainly one of the most difficult things I've ever done. However, I was lucky to have the support of my friends and family, and I know that deep down it was the right decision.

Person: (Looking at me like I have 3 heads, or leprosy or some other rare disease because people don't cancel the weddings all that often) - Well I suppose its better to find out now, then to get married and go through a divorce.

My Canned Response: (said with a smile)- well of course, but it was still very hard.

Person: I know that (insert some random, 4th removed cousin/co-worker/friend of a friend) called off their wedding too, and she's so happy. You'll get there one day.

However, here is what I'd like to say: Yes, I called off my wedding 65 days from when it was suppose to be. I spent a week in a sleeping pill induced coma, didn't shower, and couldn't get out of bed or leave the house. I tried to get my parents to take care of my dog, because it was too much for me. However, today I did shower, put make up on, and managed to some what coordinate my outfit. I know that calling off a wedding seems like a 'better option' than a divorce, but its basically the same thing. And yes, I am still sad at times about my canceled wedding. And yes, I am also 30, and absolutely terrified I'm going to die alone. Most of my friends are married and have kids, but I'm worried that I'll die alone and my dog & cat will end up eating my face because no one will know that I died. So yeah, at this exact second, I'm not doing too bad, but that could change. And, yes, I do know that I'm damaged goods. I get it.

But, you can't say that because people don't really want to hear that.

Ugh... sometimes I wish I could erase my memory of all of those things.

quickie

2011-04-04T16:13:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a quick post. I'm not totally ready to discuss things yet, but I'm needing some good/positive vibes... especially tomorrow. If you've got some to spare send them my way, and hopefully I'll have good news to report soon!

My ABCs... stolen from BIBC

2011-03-29T21:08:00.001-04:00

Since most of my posts have been of the dramatic nature recently, I'm posting something lighthearted and semi-fun.

Stolen from my dear friend who writes BIBC

A. Age: 30

B. Bed size: Full. It fits me, the pup, and kitty perfectly

C. Chore you dislike: pretty much all of em. If you saw my house you'd know that not only do I dislike them, I don't often do them. (I'll 2nd that!!)

D. Dogs: K-Pups!

on the day I brought her home!

E. Essential start to your day: messing around with my cell phone before I haul my lazy butt out of bed.

F. Favorite color: black

G. Gold or silver: I commit a fashion faux pas all the time and wear both at the same time.

H. Height: very short. we'll leave it at that.

I. Instruments you play(ed): piano, clarinet.

J. Job title: professional student? ethics educator?

K. Kids: only the fury kind

L. Live: in the same place for the last 8 years

M. Mom’s name: since I try to stay anonymous, I'll do initials. SLMG

N. Nicknames: don't really have any

O. Overnight hospital stays: too many to count. I'm a bit accident prone

P. Pet peeves: lying, starting a conversation and not finishing it on line, & bad/slow drivers

Q. Quote from a movie: I missed a lot of movies, so I don't know many quotes.

R. Righty or lefty: right

S. Siblings: me, middle sister (3 yrs younger), Baby Sister (6yrs younger)

T. Time you wake up: too early.

U. Underwear: boy shorts.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: tomatos

W.What makes you run late: I'm always late. Sleeping too late, getting sidetracked getting ready, too many things to list.

X. X-rays you’ve had:lots. See accident prone.

Y. Yummy food you make: taco yum, balsamic pasta, and a few others

Z. Zoo animal favorites: lions and other big cats

speechless

2011-03-29T18:25:00.000-04:00

I'm speechless at the moment. Just shocked, floored and any other adjective that is similar to the previously used words. Why? Apparently at some point my aunt and uncle (who aren't even in the same state as us, [us being my family & grandparents]), moved my grandmother out of the assisted living (which she was bordering on needing MORE care than they provided) and have now taken her home. which is such utter bullshit. and what makes it even better is that my grandmother has been home for nearly 2 or 3 days. but none, of my family knew about it.

this is so unbearably hard. i want to spend time with my grandmother, but i'm just so irate over the whole situation. and if the move weren't enough, my incredibly asinine aunt & uncle have managed to set up things so that my mom and I are unable to get information regarding my grandmother's medical condition/care. So we have basically been axed out.

I firmly stand behind my statement that I made to my grandmother that we will NOT be notified when she dies. That the only way we will find out she passed away, is by reading it in the news paper. Guess its time to start reading the obits more regularly now.

i'm speechless. I can't even process this whole mess right now.

2011-03-28T21:59:00.001-04:00

I feel like there are a million thoughts that are bumping through my head. However, I can't really make heads or tails of any of them. Its like the worst case of writers block. I don't even know what I want to write about, but I feel like I need to write.

Grandparent Update

things aren't great. My grandmother backed down and will now be returning to her apartment where she and my grandfather live. There is some questions as to who will be providing their care, because my grandfather 'has spoken' and chose the dynamic douche-bag duo to be his decision maker, care giver. Which is fine, except for the minor issue of they live 800+ miles away. Yet, my mother and I can be berated and bitched at but we don't care about them. The whole thing is pretty disheartening. I've sort of accepted things (as much as I can). Whats even worse, is that my mom went and looked for the jewelry that my grandmother had promised her and it was all gone. Along with all the other 'good aka expensive' jewelry.

School Wise:

Even though my title and initial outline were approved, I've managed to lose about 2-3 months worth of research time dealing with family stuff. I mean I know that life will always be busy, but it feels like ever since I canceled my wedding, its been non-stop drama. Both the good kind (Baby Sister becoming a Disney Princess) and the bad kind (grandparent drama). Its honestly been exhausting. Dealing with all the things that come with helping my mom manage my grandmother's care. Plus, I'm not really sure that I feel like I'm getting the support that I need from my advisor. I'm sort of out of it. Like where do I go from here?

Weight/Healthwise

Is sucking. I'm at my heaviest weight. I'm so unhappy. But I'm at a loss for how to make the changes. I want to be a runner, but I'm so out of shape. I should have the time for the work outs. Its been hard not to let my disordered weight/eating thoughts creep back in. But I have noticed it has happened a bit. Nothing out of control, but more just sadness in the way I look. I'm not sure if its a clothing/make up thing or more of a weight thing. It could also be that I've got some PMS issues coming this way too.

Quick Updates

2011-03-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

Belle has landed in Hong Kong safely. She has already had her 1st day of work (which is sort of crazy since its only early afternoon here). She met I think 5 of her cast mates already (some where on her flight) so she's having a good time. I got the chance to Google Chat her up a bit before she went to bed this evening. This whole time change thing makes me think of this Oreo Commercial.

In grandparent news. Nothing positive to really report. She'll me moving back to her apartment with my grandfather. My aunt and uncle (the douche-lords) have been chosen as their decision makers. Which breaks my heart because I truly don't think their best interests will be looked after.

Gifts for the Sister

2011-03-24T21:34:00.000-04:00

I couldn't figure out what to get my 'baby sister' who will be moving 1/2 around the world on Saturday morning for 7 months. I finally did some searching and got her this,

which is similar to something I got her before she moved to NYC 2 years ago.

Tomorrow is the last time I'll see her till sometime in late October. And I have a card, but I'm trying to figure out what to say to her. To convey to her how proud I am that she is doing awesome things, and making her dreams come true. That even though she is the 'younger sister' she is some one I look up to and aspire to be like. She's taught me so much. And I'm going to miss her to pieces but I want her to be amazing and enjoy every minute that she is away.

Dear Baby Sister,

I'm not sure how much longer I can really call you that since you've managed to grow up and are now getting ready to embark on an amazing journey. One that just happens to take you 1/2 around the globe. And while nothing makes me happier to say that I have a 'princess' for a sister, I hope you know that I'm going miss you like no other. I'll miss our weekly discussions of Army Wives, and Bones. And going to our favorite restaurants when you're home visiting. But I know that in just a few months, you'll be home and we will have so much to catch up on.

I don't think I can ever say thank you for all your support during the last year. You made some of the toughest times of my life so much easier. I will never forget how you made what would have been my wedding day, so much fun. The day we spent shopping in NYC and that whole trip are some memories that I will hold on tightly too.

So before I get even more sappy, and cry even more while I'm writing this, I want you to know a few things. First, I consider you to be more than just my sister, you are one of my best friends. And thank you for that. Second, know that I'm so proud of you. And all you've accomplished. Along with all you will accomplish. And Finally, that I will always and forever be cheering for you.

Love always

I suck at good-byes...

2011-03-22T21:25:00.000-04:00

This post isn't going to be about my grandparents. Despite the changes that have gone on. Its a huge post for another time when I'm not so exhausted/sick of talking/thinking about it.

This time is about saying good bye to my sister who is moving across the globe for a job. At the age of 24 she's managed to fulfill her lifetime goal of becoming a Disney princess (Belle specifically) in one of the shows at one of the DisneyLand's in Asia.

Its so weird to think that she's going to be moving across the world come this saturday for about 7 months. I know that time will fly by (especially for her) but its still kinda crazy that my 'baby' sister is doing this. And I honestly couldn't be more proud of her.

I'll never forget when she left to go to college. I went over to our parents house to say good bye to her the night before she left, (since she was leaving at 6am and I had to go to work the next day). And while she was so excited and happy, she handed me a folded up piece of paper and told me to read it when I got home. There were tons of tears (on both sides) and lots of hugs. I remember how hard it was for me to say good bye to her and acknowledge that she is growing up.

Anyways I finally opened the letter that she gave me and BAWLED MY EFFING EYES OUT. It was amazing. Like I honestly had no idea that she looked up to me, and that I had taught her things about boys. I mean even just re-reading it now, makes me tear up.

And if you are in need of a cry, feel free to read the letter below.

Now I just don't know what to say to her.

trust .... can it be rebuilt

2011-03-21T18:45:00.001-04:00

relationships are built on trust. and when that trust is broken can it ever be come back? i'm still struggling hard core with trust issues related to flower boy. i'm still checking his cell phone, (which I know is wrong, and if I'm looking, I'm expecting to find something) not really finding anything other than some messages from an ex. but i just can't shake this feeling that he is untrustworthy.

over the weekend, one of the people he spends most of his time with was a bit tipsy, and told me flat out.... do not let him lie to you. he will lie to me about stupid stuff, and i just smack him in the head. (this woman who told me this is like an adopted mom for him). Flower boy and her husband are very tight.

I have caught him in a few lies. And when he's caught, he is very honest about them. But I have tried to explain to him that finding out about things because I "googled' him (which he thinks is weird) isn't the way I want to find out about his past. Or what he's done.

To me a lie is a lie. White lie, big lie, small lie. Its all lying. Lying was NOT tolerated in my family. I'll never forget my mother telling me at the age of 13 when I was just starting to go out with friends etc to never forget my father deals with liars for a living, thus he'll be able to tell very easily if I lie. Its stuck with me. I don't lie.

The arm char psychologist in me thinks his lying stems from the fact he's adopted, his family is super wealthy, and he's had a pretty charmed life. However the small time I've spend with his family, showed me a somewhat odd family dynamic. Another thing that is odd to me, is that he won't talk about things. His friend admitted this to me over the weekend, and he did too.

This is something that is completely forgien to me. I may not verbally talk to people in my life about what is going on, but 9/10 I have a core group of people (both freaky internet friends and real life friends) that I know when I'm upset I can call on, (or IM in some cases). He doesn't. The woman who is like his mother, told me that the only person he spends time with on a regular basis is her husband. That he's been a loner.

Which is so the opposite of how he speaks of this set of friends he has from back home (he only moved to my area within the last 3 years). He speaks about all these friends and all these things they have done. But I've never heard him take phone calls from these alleged friends.

The worst part is that flower boy is all you're the one. I love you. I want to be with you. I'm so happy with you. I'm working on changing.

But once trust is gone, how can you rebuild the relationship? Is it possible to be rebuilt? Part of me wants to hope that it can. But

trust .... can it be rebuilt

2011-03-21T18:44:00.000-04:00

ranting brain dump

2011-03-18T00:07:00.000-04:00

Its 11:47pm and I'm pissed. For a lot of reasons. And I finally feel like I have something to say. On Monday I was having a total freak out. I was freaking out about the fact that my grandmother at the moment, wasn't moving to the assisted living; which is where she needed to be. That my grandfather had managed to put the kibosh on it because he was more worried about money. I was freaked out by my ob/gyno appointment.

Its been so stressful when I am expected to have all the answers regarding what we need to do for my grandma. But at the same time, feel this huge need to manage to explain things regarding my grandmothers care and needs and eventual decline in a way that wouldn't crush my mother or upset my sisters. Which I expected. But its a really fucking hard thing to do. It sucks having to tell your mom, look, the reasons she's got tremors is because of the tumor getting bigger, and yes, it is going to get A LOT worse than it it now. And then watching your mom's eyes fill with tears, because even though I'm her daughter, and she has tried so hard to be strong, you can't deny the fact that my mom, is losing her mom. And the bond of a mother and daughter isn't one that is easily explained.
It sucks hard core having to bust out my doctor/patient voice on my family.

I try so hard to have it together in front of my friends and family members. To act like its ok that we know my grandmother is on borrowed time and that each day we have with her is a blessing. And I'm so grateful. But I just hate how hard it is.

I hate crying. And I hate crying in front of people even more. Especially close friends and family members. Which is even stranger. But to me crying = weakness. So I haven't been very upfront with my 'real life friends' about how I'm dealing with everything. Especially flower boy. And I partly want to be pissed at him. Because I want him to do things, to make this better. But its something he can't do. And since I'm putting up the front of "I'm ok with all of this, I work with stuff like this all the time" it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not ok with this. I'm not ok with any of it. I want to be just the granddaughter. Not the granddaughter who knows and understands all the medical jargon, and the progress of the disease. I want to be able to get choked up when I talk about my grandmother passing away, like my sister does. To be able to not be so clinical about it. But I feel this need to be the strong one. To be the one organizing all the care. Because if I do it, then it will be done right, and I'll know that when she does pass away, I'll have done everything I could have for her. Much like she did for me when I was younger.

kindred spirits

2011-03-16T22:51:00.000-04:00

i was talking to someone today about my dog. and how insane as it soundsed when i went thru my wedding being canceled the puppers was amazing. she was with me thru the worst of the worst and just let me cry and would lick at my tears and put her head in my lap to pet her. she was on the couch right next to me or own my bed. and i came up with this analogy.

she's got some issue don't get me wrong, seizures, super duper skiddish

so we're sort of a set of kindred spirits who are both damaged in some ways.

2011-03-15T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today's been another massive cluster fuck. Since my grandfather decided yesterday that they wouldn't be moving. My grandmother told my grandfather that she can not go back to the apartment and she would be going somewhere so she can stay as healthy as she can for as long as she can. Now keep in mind my grandmother is traditional italian and never stands up for her self.

Today my mom spent most of the day running around with my grandmother and great aunt looking at different places. As of tonight, the plan is that my grandmother will be going to one of the nicest assisted livings for respite care for up to 2 weeks. During that time my grandfather can choose to stop being stupid and stubborn and move with her or not.

As is his normal response when he doesn't get his way he called my uncle. He and his wife will be arriving tomorrow. However, prior to their arrivial, they both called my mother.. Apparently they were shocked that the move was canceled by our grandfather and that my grandmother would be going some where with out him. And the best part was that my aunt claimed she left because she didn't want to get in the middle of this since she was only a 'daughter in law'. Which is completely laughable. Especially based on her past behaviors.

When I spoke to my grandmother at about 9pm I called to tell her that I am so proud of her for making a good decision and for doing something for herself for once. She told me that she spoke to my grandfather he told her that he didn't agree with her decision and my aunt and uncle would be in tomorrow to deal with this..

Hopefully my grandmother will be moved at some point tomorrow like she is suppose to and my grandfather can come to his senses or not.

This who experience has been completely stressful. But I'm just so glad that my grandmother is going to an assisted living to continue to get the care that she needs.

the best laid plans part II

2011-03-14T22:20:00.000-04:00

Sometimes never seem to come together. Ever since we found out about my maternal grandmother's brain tumor, we've (my mom and I) feel like we've been on a constant battle against time. Time that we know is borrowed. Time that we're lucky to have with my nonni (our pidgin italian name for grandmother).

Its hard to believe we've known about the tumor for over a month now. Last month at this time we were battling my douchelord aunt about what the best plan of care was for nonni once she got out of the hospital. And now, we're trying to figure out what is best for them (Nonni and pap-pap) since its is painfully obvious to everyone that they really shouldn't and to be frank can't live on their own any more.

After some intense battles with my grandparents, especially my grandfather, who can be one stubborn, pig-headed SOB, it was settled that we'd be moving them into an assisted living facility. A really nice one to boot.

However, today when my grandfather found out that the initial quote of $5600/month (which I know sounds high but it includes 3 meals and 2 snacks, laundry, light housekeeping, medication management and other amenities) would be closer to $8000/month due to the higher level of care that they would need, my grandfather flipped out. And canceled everything. So we are now one day out, from my grandmother being discharged, and have no appropriate discharge plan.

I know if my grandmother goes back to their current living situation, we're looking at weeks. And the decline is going to be tremendous. And its going to be totally sucky. My poor mom, is heart broken. There has been numerous fights, tears, and just complete and utter frustration. All the way around.

I'm type A. I'm a problem solver. I fix things. I always have an answer for everything. And now, I'm rendered speechless. I don't know how to make this better. I hate feeling this helpless. Especially since I care so much about my grandmother. And my grandfather too, but I'm especially close to my Nonni. Because I lived with her for an extended period of time when I was younger. And she's always been more of a mom than a grandmother. She was the 1st person I told when I got engaged. She was integral (as much as she could be) with my wedding planning. She was there when I bought my dress. It kills me that I can't fix this for them.

And if that we're more than enough fun. I had an appointment at the ob/gyn today too. Because I've been having some issues with my period. And its lack of arrival. As in, my period took a vacation and didn't bother to inform me. After taking over 10 pregnancy tests and a confirmation from my ob/gyn, I'm not pregnant. But I'm dealing with some amenorrhoea. My doctors best guess is that since I've taken the pill for about 15 yrs with no breaks, I've managed to induce amenorrhoea in my self. Similarly, to treat drug-induced amenorrhoea, stopping the medication on the advice of a doctor is a usual course of action.

Since I've got some 'bunk lady junk'' issues prior to my period going on hiatus, I've got some decisions to make. I need to decide if I want to stop taking the pill and hope it doesn't take 6-10 months for my period to get back. If my period comes back at all. Because when your doctor says words like "early menopause" your brain stops working.

My intial plans was to keep taking the pill for another 2 months and hope my period comes back from its impromptu vacation. And if it doesn't head back to the doctors to begin checking this issue out more throughly. However, my mother thinks I need to be off the pill, NOW. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.
I spoke to Sister #2 who helped me come up with some questions to ask, since I was pretty shocked by all of this.

Today has been an insane day. I'm beyond ready to head to bed.

Ready to love again

2011-03-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

Is a song that has found its way onto my iPod that I'm really loving. The lyrics just seem to speak to me.

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think that love will never find you
You run away but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

The Long Good Bye

2011-03-10T20:03:00.000-05:00

Is what happens when you have a loved one who has Alzheimer's or Dementia. Add in some brain tumors, and ta-da you get grandmother. I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible. But its hard. And a lot of the time I end up having to use my "doctor voice" with her. Which sucks. And breaks my heart.

I've never been good at good-byes. Which is so ironic considering I work in end-of-life/palliative care. Where you focus on saying good bye. But its hard to accept that someone you care so deeply about, is a hospice patient. And is going to die. Sooner rather than later. And to say that my grandmother is living on borrowed time would be a huge understatement.

I always thought that being in my line of work would prepare me for when my grandparents died. I couldn't have been more wrong. Whats worse, is I know what is going to happen. And that really sucks.

I'm still around

2011-03-09T08:50:00.000-05:00

But the words haven't really been coming recently. Why? I don't know. Maybe its because I'm finally in a good place or what. But I'm still alive.

doctors make the worst patients....

2011-03-02T23:51:00.001-05:00

And its true. I'm proof of that. I've often told my patients there truly is no preparing for death whether it is sudden or drawn out. no matter how prepared you think you are, you aren't. And despite my line of work, I fooled myself into thinking I would be different than my patients and families I see. That I would be prepared. That I would be the strong one. However, it couldn't be further from the truth. Because one of the oddest/cruelest things is knowing someone is terminal but not knowing when the house of cards will fall.

Right now my grandmother is doing so wonderfully. I'm shocked and pleased by this. More than words could ever explain. However, I know that we have her on borrowed time. And I'm terrified of when that time will run out. So for now, I blog about this, with tears streaming down my cheeks, and a huge lump in my throat. I hold tight and cherish the memories i'm making and hope that when my grandma does pass, that she knows how loved she is and always will be

6 Months

2011-03-01T21:55:00.000-05:00

And so much has changed. Which is totally insane. I can still think back to where I was the day I called off my wedding and the deep, intense, pain I felt. Thinking that things could never, ever get better. And that I'd feel this way for ever. But there is a reason they say that time heals all wounds.

Because it does. Now granted these wounds aren't exactly completely scarred over. They're still very raw and pink. And at times they even crack open, at the strangest moments. But the bottom line is I'm healing. And healing takes time. It what I tell all my patients.

I no longer identify myself as the 'girl who called off her wedding 2 months out'. I don't induce myself into sleeping pill comas because the only thing that felt good was sleep. I don't think about what could have been, because I know, that it would have been a life full of misery.

Day by day, I'm healing. I'm learning more about myself. That I'm a really fucking strong person. That shitty things are going to happen (my grandmother's brain tumor), but I can deal. That I'm not scared to stick up for what I think is right and by doing that I've truly learned what unconditional love is, (via my dog). That I can get through the tough times on my own. But that the network of friends and family I have make me one of the luckiest, if not the luckiest girl in the world. Especially some my 'freaky internet friends' (Lis, MJ, and B.B.) who have turned into 'real life friends'.

Canceling my wedding sucked. Big time. There was a lot of pain and grief associated with it. Mourning for a life of could have beens, not getting my day to be a princess, having my dad walk me down the aisle and wearing my kick ass amazing dress. But I wouldn't change what I did for anything in the world.

Its helped shape me. It helped me to see what I want in life, and what I don't. Yes, maybe its making me be a lot more cautious with my heart, but thats not a bad thing. And while I still have days where I think 'holy fuck, I'm 30, living in a crappy apartment, still in school, not married' I wouldn't change what I did at all.

Reflecting Back....

2011-02-28T17:24:00.001-05:00

I wrote this while on my flight home from NYC this past weekend.

I have been kind of haunted the last few weeks. The reason is because of my ex. Yes I have managed to block him on the social media of facebook. But occasionally the crazy side of me prompts me to look. And I see all the things he is doing with his new girlfriend. And one thing I noticed is he looks happier than he ever did with me. Which on one hand reinforces my decision to end things. But it's still so odd to see him doing things with this new girl. Things he would never do with me like traveling to new places because he hates to fly. Now he happily booked a trip down to Fla to see he new girl. Or booking over night visits in hotels since his parents were so totally against us spending the night together dispute our adult age.

And of course the easy thing would be to just focus on flower boy. But it's not that simple. Because I am not sure where I want thongs to with him. But it's not that easy. Why because I am a snooper. Which means I look thru his cell phone on occasion or that I did a google search of his google user name. Am I proud of doing that? No not really. But I did it and I found some things that were less than pleasing. While it would be so easy to say I to what I deserved for snooping I wish I wouldn't have found the flirty texts from exes or the compromising pictures from his old female bar friends or the profiles for adult friend finder.

Now granted when I admitted to him drunkenly that I snooper he took it lime a champ. He didn't yell or get mad. He wished I wouldn't have snooped but it was done so nothin could be changed.

He has explanations for the texts that they were his exes and they did that kind of thing and to his credit the dates of the messages were from way before we started hanging out and dating but they were still there. The reason for adult friend finder profiles was that his one bar did a fetish night and that was how he got the word out. He completely owned up to all the things he did but I can't shake this feeling of not trusting him at all. Which sucks but i am at a loss.

that is what marriage is about

2011-02-28T17:23:00.000-05:00

In Grey's Anatomy episode 6.14 Valentines Day Masacare, Valentine's Day, and the doctors must treat dozens of injured people after the roof collapses at a popular romantic restaurant; and Meredith cares for one of the patrons. As the story unfolds the woman who Mer is caring for was interested in a waiter at the resturant. The waiter had similar feelings however, nothing came of it. This exchange really hit home for me for some reason.

Meredith- did you know?

Woman- Why do you think I kept going back there. Then I met Bob.

Meredith- but you kept going back.

Woman- I did, because bob liked it. And I loved bob. And then it became our place. And yes, he orders for me, because he knows what he likes. and while it may seem like we have nothing to talk about, but its nice to not have to talk.
15 years ago, I made a choice, and I keep making that choice every day, and that is what marriage is about.

Twatty-twatty twat bag strikes again!!!!

2011-02-18T12:24:00.001-05:00

Things have been super busy here. I'm preparing for a huge lecture I'm giving next week, only to fly out the day after it to help Sister#3 pack up her NYC apartment and prepare her for the move to Hong Kong. Plus I've got an additional meeting on Monday that I need to prepare a few things for. On top of trying to help my mom with my grandmother and grandfather, plus helping my sisters come to peace with the fact that our grandmother is dying.

Things with my grandmother are pretty much status quo. She was finally discharged last Thursday from the hospital. The whole discharge process was a massive cluster-fuck. We (my mom and I) have been working with my douche-y uncle, (who shockingly isn't so much douche-y as a spineless slapper who lets his twat of a wife boss him around) to make plans for my grandmother's discharge from the hospital.

Midweek last week, the discussion was to send my grandmother to a rehab facility so that she could regain some of the strength that she lost while being bed-bound for nearly a week. Well on Tuesday my twat-bag aunt (also lovingly known as twatty twatty twat bag) thought sending my grandmother to a rehab facility was absurd. She would drive in from St. Louis and 'save the day'. She claimed that she would again be here for the long haul and make sure that my grandparents are well taken care of (remember this).

Rather than go through a long battle I accepted that the twat-bag would be taking charge of my grandmothers care. Because her outdated RN degree and RN license that she hasn't had in over 20 years trump all my experience.

Wednesday I go to the hospital to see my grandmother and help my mom get her home, since my twatty aunt would be in at some point that day. As we were waiting to get my grandmother set up for discharge, I snapped. I told my grandmother that if I was the social worker assigned to this case, that this discharge plan is completely asinine and a recipe for disaster. And that I'd automatically assume that the family really doesn't care about her health and well being since she was being sent home.

Apparently with that statement something clicked. And my grandmother finally was like oh yeah thats true. Since my grandmother is not really competent with her decision making and never appointed one decision maker, the whole family (my mom and her brother who has given his vote to his twatty wife) has to agree to the changes with her discharge plan. So we had to get my grandmother re-admitted to the hospital to then be re-refered to the rehab facility.

Now, keep in mind my mother had been telling her brother everything that was going on with their mom. Which would lead one to believe that my twatty-twat bag of an aunt would be getting her information from her husband. Wrong. She was getting her information from my grandfather, who incase you forget lied to get discharged from the hospital last year.

So my mom had to call the twat bag and tell her that my grandmother hadn't even walked in 5 days, to which she promptly said send her to rehab. um... no shit.

Now remember how the twat bag aunt said that she'd be here taking care of my grandparents til the bitter end. Well she lasted a whopping 6 days. With my grandfather. Because on Wednseday of this week, my mom got a call that twatty-twat bag had dropped my grandfather off at my grandmother's room in the rehab facility, because my cousin (who is 30, married and a JAG lawyer) was having a crisis in Washington DC (where she recently moved). From what I was told the conversation went like this:
Twat bag aunt- Your neice is having a crisis in Washington DC. I MUST leave now, to go be with her. I do not know when I'll be back. I am on the PA turnpike as we speak. Good bye.

Now, of course we (my dad & I) start speculating about what the 'crisis'. Miscarriage, horrific health diagnosis, her husband has left her, she's been fired... the scenarios my dad and I created were fantastic. However, nothing could have prepared me for what the real crisis was...

My cousin, who's 30, married, and a JAG lawyer was in hysterics because.... her and her husband hired some one to re-do their hard wood floors in their new home. And the stain they picked isn't working.

Umm.... you're 30. You're married. You're a lawyer. You're husbands family lives 15 minutes from your new house. But you call your mom, who is taking care of her feeble in-laws, because you're upset over the stain of your hard wood floors?!?!?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!!??!?!

My family, never ceases to amaze me.

The Key to Love

2011-02-10T20:11:00.001-05:00

The Key to Love

The key to love is understanding...
The ability to comprehend not only the spoken word,
but those unspoken gestures,
the little things that say so much by themselves.

The key to love is forgiveness...
to accept each others faults and pardon mistakes,
without forgetting, but with remembering
what you learn from them.

The key to love is sharing...
Facing your good fortunes as well as the bad, together;
both conquering problems, forever searching for ways
to intensify your happiness.

The key to love is giving...
without thought of return,
but with the hope of just a simple smile,
and by giving in but never giving up.

The key to love is respect...
realizing that you are two separate people, with different ideas; that you don't belong to each other,
that you belong with each other, and share a mutual bond.

The key to love is inside us all...
It takes time and patience to unlock all the ingredients that will take you to its threshold;
it is the continual learning process that demands a lot of work... but the rewards are more than worth the effort...
and that is the key to love.

How do you say good-bye

2011-02-10T14:54:00.000-05:00

I had a big break down last night. Because while I was doing 'normal' stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry) around my house, it hit me like a ton of bricks that my grandmother is dying. That she needs hospice. That we probably don't have a ton of time left with her. And I started to think about how you say good-bye to someone who you love so much.

I thought about the things I want to say to her. To tell her. So that she knows how much I love her. And thank her for all she's done for me. That I firmly believe if I can be 1/2 as good as she was as a wife, and mother, I will feel like I have succeeded. But how do you say that to someone.

So I was talking to my best friend who said something really important things that helped me in a way. She reminded me that I'm not in charge of her care as a medical professional, so its time to step back and be a family member. That there isn't much that we can control/do right now and that we have to take things day by day. And that while I am expecting to be able to handle this the way that I would with one of my patients, its not going to happen. That its personal. And that makes things totally different. That I need to accept that I'm human, and that I'm allowed to be upset, that I'm not in control. I'm entitled to my feelings.

When I told her I tried to sit down and write out my feelings to thank my grandmother and let her know how much I love her, she suggested that I thank her for all she's done, and that I remind her of what an awesomely amazing person she is who did her best for us, and that I appreciate it. Remind her of all the things she's accomplished and overcome, all the things that made her happy.

Then she told me that I have to go on living, and talking about the future even if it hurts because I 'know' that my grandma won't be around for the things I'm talking about. That my grandmother wants to see me happy, and know that when she's gone that I will continue on my path and succeed. And then you do small talk. And you keep making small talk till the end. Because she knows the end is coming and she wants to be distracted. And I don't know if I can do small talk. Because I feel like that is such bullshit to do. I feel like there are so many important things to say but I can't find the words.

And my friend reminded me that when she is gone, I will have learned that it is ok to let go, and I'm starting to do that now. That its ok to feel, and that not everything has a scientific explanation. That I need to learn that its ok to recover after losing someone so important to you, that it is ok to laugh again, be trivial, and not mourn all the time.

That there will be a time where I don't end up in tears every day, that the thought of my life with out her will not reduce me to tears. That there will be a point in time, that I am ok again.

But right now, these things still hurt. There is the rawness to it. The wonder of, maybe it would have been better to not know and lose her suddenly. Because, no matter how much I try to prepare for this, I won't be prepared. I won't be ready to say good bye. I won't be ready to tell her I love her for the last time.

total WTF Moment

2011-02-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

Its really fucked up to hear someone say, "I'm going to put this away for next football season" when you have been told that they won't be around for it.

That every time you say good bye to them you wonder if it will be your last time seeing them. That when you see them you want to think about them as they were. Not frail and de-conditioned.

I'm not sure what is worse. Knowing that the end is near. Or being taken by surprise.
There are millions of things I want to say. But I can't find the words. And I HATE that feeling.

A very sad update

2011-02-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

This morning we got the official word on my grandmother. And its not good. If we get 3 months with her we'll be lucky. Its so weird to have an estimate on how much longer she'll be with us. Now granted, its an estimate. But still. The estimate: 3 months. 90 days. Its not enough time. However, I'm sure that no matter the estimated time frame we were given, it would never be enough time.

The neurosurgeon explained that the mass is inoperable. Which isn't really a shocker. And basically suggested that we keep her comfortable. Again, not a shocker. And even though I'm saying that this information isn't really shocking to me, it still knocks the wind out of me.

The neurologist has put my grandmother on anti-seizure medication as a precautionary measure. Odds are she'll have seizures at some point. Again it was suggested the comfort measures be used.

According to the hospital discharge planner, my grandmother is refusing to do her physical therapy and occupational therapy. To me, that says something even more important than what the physicians have said.

My grandmother is giving up. She's done fighting. She's lived a long and full life. But to me, it hasn't been long enough. Like I said before, I know that I'm so incredibly blessed to have gotten to spend nearly 30 years with my grandmother. But right now I want to be selfish. I want another 30. I want her to watch me walk down the aisle, to dance at my wedding, to see me defend my dissertation, to be there when I have kids (God willing). But she likely won't be.

So far this morning has been a flurry of phone calls back and forth. Decisions have to be made. Phone calls to family members need to occur. Decisions like do we get a second opinion, should we try and move my grandparents to a facility where there is a higher of care, is hospice an option? So many questions that need to be answers. And all I can do is try not to cry while discussing them with other people.

During these discussions I found something my grandfather said. He was speaking to my uncle about my grandmother. And my grandfather said that he knows my grandmother is going to die in a similar fashion that her brother did. (He had end stage Alzheimer's, and it was a horrible, horrible thing to watch). But my grandfather knew that. And he wants to be with her no matter what. That they've been in it for the long haul together, and they're go out together.

The relayed statement to me took my breath away. And filled my eyes with tears. The love that my grandparents have for each other is something I've never really seen in any other couples. They've been through some very tough times together. And it strengthened their love even more.

These next few months are going to be so hard. And I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time choked up, with tears brimming in my eyes. Its a feeling I hate.

My grandmother is an amazing woman. She came over from Italy with nothing. She was 13 years old, spoke no English. She was put into a 1st grade class room. My grandmother did not even have a high school education. Yet, she worked to support her 7 brothers and sisters. She did it with out complaint. I can only hope that I am half the woman my grandmother is, because she's amazing.

people can surprise you

2011-02-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

And a lot of the time its the people who you don't think will surprise you do. (God, does that even make sense?).

Since this weekend was a bit of a crazy one, I spent some time tonight thinking about it, when I should have been working on my grand rounds lecture, or my dissertation proposal changes. But I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about flower boy.

I've sort of been a mixed bag about flower boy. Because in my mind, he's the super hot (which he is), tattoo'd up ex-frat boy, bartender bad boy (because lord knows I've always had a thing for the tattoo'd up bad boys). And because of those things, I decided that he was a player.

Despite the fact that he gave me absolutely no reason to think that about him. I decide he was a player, and that there really wasn't any potential. He was fun, made me laugh, but I doubted anything would really come from it. So I've been keeping him at arms length in a way. I wasn't really willing to put myself out there and totally go all balls to the wall with this relationship. I mean I met him like 2ish weeks before what would have been my wedding day. At that time, I was in no mind frame to start thinking long term anything. I was still in that barely able to function stage. Plus, I kept anticipating him doing something that would make me want to cut and run. Especially since I didn't want to put myself out there and possibly get hurt.

So needless to say when I spent Thursday and Friday night crying about 2 separate things, one of which was stupid and involved my ex, the other being my grandmother being told that she has brain masses, you probably can't even imagine my surprise when he was awesome about everything.

So needless to say when he handled it like a champ I was floored. Thursday night, I was basically cry face about my ex and something I found out. And Flower Boy listened to me be upset, and handled is superbly. With comments like, well I see why you're upset, but you're with me now. And you know that he's an idiot, everything thinks he's an idiot, so don't let an idiot be the reason you cry. There were no signs of jealously, or I can't believe you're upset. He listened to me, and let me be upset.

So on Friday, when I texted him to let him know about my grandmother being rushed to the hospital and the fact I wouldn't be going out because I'd be at the hospital he was awesome. He actually canceled his plans for the night (I had originally made plans to go out with some girls, so he was going to have a guys night) with out me asking or knowing before hand, so that he'd be available if I needed him. I was bowled over. Friday night, when we spoke on the phone he let me cry over my grandmother, and be upset about everything. Again handling it like a champ.

So color me even more shocked when on Sunday, when I couldn't get ahold of my grandmother at the hospital and was told her room was moved, but no one could give me an update, when he offered to stop at the hospital before we went out to lunch I about fell over. Why? Sunday was Super Bowl day, and Flower Boy takes his sports teams super seriously. Especially when 2 of his favorites were playing at 1 and 630. So I was even more shocked when he said, well lets check on her, you'll feel better.

He was right. So off we went to check on my grandmother, and we only stayed for about a half hour, I got a chance to talk to her nurse and find out more about what was going on. Meanwhile, I could hear the two of them chatting it up. He lives in the area my grandmother lived in initially when she immigrated to this country. They were like to chatty Cathy's. And according to my mom, it really made my grandmother smile.

So since he missed the 1st part of the one game since we were out at the hospital, I figured he's be kinda grumpy about it. Nope, not one complaint. Again, floored. He was happy I was happy that I saw my grandma that there was nothing really going on at that point.

Ok, so if you're still with me at this point (thank you) I started thinking about all of this. And the fact that yes, he does have some short comings (Like letting his laundry pile up and not doing the dishes right after we eat) and maybe I've been to busy trying to keep my guard up to actually appreciate and see what I've got with him. After musing on this fact for a bit, I've decided to maybe let my guard down a little bit. And maybe if I stop expecting him to let me down, or screw up, I start to see more of the good things with him.

The best laid plans...

2011-02-07T18:25:00.000-05:00

Its so funny how something you've been looking forward to for a long time can be blown out of the water in such a way that you're left sitting there being all what the fuck just happened. That is basically how I feel when I look back on my weekend.

Initially my weekend plans looked something like this:

Friday Night- night out on the town with some friends
Saturday- tattoo outing for the boy
Sunday - Super Bowl Party

This is how my weekend ended up:

Friday Night- spent at the hospital with my grandmother
Saturday - tattoo for the boy, numerous phone calls to the hospital & family members
Sunday - hospital and super bowl

Friday morning, I got a call about a consult at the local hospital that I work for. No big deal, that happens. So I go in for an afternoon consult. No big deal, the consult did take a bit longer than I anticipated, but it happens.

What I didn't anticipate was a frantic phone call from my mother about my grandmother passing out at the grocery store, and being taken to another local hospital via ambulance since she hit her head pretty hard. After telling my mom my suggestions for the what to do/say once they get to the hospital I left the consult which had wrapped up, headed home to pick up the pup and take her to my parents. My plan was to take my dad to my mom's car and then head down to the hospital to be with my mom and grandma.

I think I got to the hospital shortly before 5:30. At this point a CT scan had been done on my grandmother and some other tests have been ordered. Now, at this point I was frustrated and annoyed. I was pissed that again my grandmother had passed out and we were at the hospital for the 4th time this month. My grandmother has a tendency to be pretty medication non-compliant, so she tends to not take her medication, and when she does remember she'll double or even triple the dose. Awesomeness. She also has a tendency to not eat or drink enough, which messes up her insulin levels , which as a diabetic aren't great to begin with.

Basically, I figured it'd be the same old song and dance, she's not eating, or really taking care of her self. And that while yes, we did get my grandparents moved out of their 3 story home, and they are now in an apartment that is all one level, perhaps they need a bit more help than they want to admit. I was anticipating all the other BS that will go along with this incident, like dealing with my incredibly douche-y aunt and uncle, and fighting my grandparents tooth & nail regarding what they want and what they need.

Needless to say that when the ER physician walked in and asked when her last head CT was and if she was being 'monitored' I looked at her like she had 4 heads. The conversation went like this:

ER MD: oh.... so she's not being monitored via CT scan
Me: ummm, no. Should she be?
ER MD: ummm.... so you don't know?
Me: Know what?
ER MD: About the brain tumors?
Me: What brain tumors?
ER MD: Opps.

What the ER physician told us was that there were some 'masses' in my grandmother's brain, and her echo didn't look good either, so they're going to monitor her. I distinctly remember my hands shaking as I wrote down all the information for my mom, and thinking "Fuck, I have to tell my sisters", and keep it together so you don't cry in front of my grandmother.

What was my grandmother's response to this news? "So I'm not going home?" It was pretty apparent to both the ER physician and my mom and I that my grandmother wasn't really getting what was going on. After the doctor left, I left the room to call my sisters and tell them the news.

Despite the fact that both my sisters are adults I still feel the need to protect them. So having to call and tell them the news, sucked. Royally. There were a lot of tears, a lot of acceptance of what was going on, a lot of trying to figure out what the next steps will be.

I wish I could say that telling my sisters I was able to be calm, cool, and the strong one. I definitely cried while telling sister #2. And I cried a lot more when I got home. I cried because while I know that my grandmother is 88 and has lived a long and full life, it still sucks. It sucks because there is nothing I want more in the world is for her to be around to watch me get my PhD, be at my wedding, and meet her great-grandchildren of the human variety (when and if that time ever comes). I cried because I'm mad and angry. That its not fair. That even though I've had 30 years with her, I am sure that another 30 years wouldn't be nearly enough time to do and say all the things that I want to her.

Right now we're not sure what the plan is. She's still in the hospital, but they're having some issues regulating her blood pressure & heart rate. She's not allowed to sit up or get out of bed for fear of her passing out again. And we have no idea what will be done with her brain masses. I'm not an overly religious person, but I will certainly take any thoughts, prayers, for my grandmother and our family right now. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road, and one that won't really be that easy either.

Prayers

2011-02-04T19:40:00.001-05:00

As I write this I am sitting in the hospital. And just found out that my maternal grandmother was found to have a mass in her brain. Please send any spare thoughts and prayers to my nonni and family that would be great. I am not sure what all this means but we will go from here.

Ouch

2011-02-03T17:49:00.001-05:00

Sometimes things hurt in a way that is almost indescribable. And its normally that type of pain that tends to sneak up on you and really kick you when you're down.
Thats what happened to me today. Its 100% my fault, but I still can't help but feel a bit, whoa about the whole thing.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Facebook. And facebook stalking. And today, it came back to bite me in the ass. The ex and I are both on there as 'friends'. Because initially it was too hard/ too raw to actually 'un-friend each other'. We were trying to be adults, to handle things in an adult way. So we stayed facebook friends.

Its via facebook that I've learned he's seeing someone else. Which, honestly is ok. I know that I'm much happier with out him in my life (as sad as that is to type espeically since at one point in time, I really thought he was my 'one'). Now granted he and his new girl are going back and forth quoting country love songs all over each others page. And while that is some what hard to stomach, it was nothing compared to what I saw when I logged on today.

"I've figured out a name-". I took the name out to protect the stupid. However, its a combo of his and her first name. His reply - I love it! Love the spelling and how it looks.

Gut. Punch. Now i'm sitting on my couch bawling. This hurts. A lot. This really, really hurts.

It hurts so much to see it so publicly displayed .It hurts because it makes me feel like a huge reproductive failure times a million since I've got bunk lady junk. It hurts because we never had those talks. Because we knew kids were not likely to be possible. It hurts, because something he's done has reduced to a huge sobbing, full on ugly face cry fest. It hurts because its still stinging that my life, my plans with him, got totally changed. And its not been that long. And its things like this that make me realize I have a far way to go towards healing.

This is the day of new beginnings, time to remember and move one, time to believe what love is bringing lying to rest the pain that's gone"

2011-01-31T18:40:00.001-05:00

My family has a tradition of having communion on New Years Eve. I am not even sure how long we've been doing this, but Its just something I remember doing for along time. When we go to communion we are given a piece of paper with meditations and prayers on it. These meditations often include quotes and musings that relate to the New Year. This year there was one quote that really spoke to me.

"This is the day of new beginnings, time to remember and move one, time to believe what love is bringing lying to rest the pain that's gone"

I completely forgot about this quote until I found the paper with the new year's meditations on them while cleaning out my purse. Just felt is was a good quote to keep in mind.

Real Marriage Advice

2011-01-28T15:38:00.000-05:00

For some reason yesterday, I spent a lot of time on The Nest. I'm not sure why, since I'm certainly not married. But I found this post, and it really struck me.

It was entitled "Real Marriage Advice", and this is what the poster said:

* It will never get any easier than this. It may get better, but it won't be easier. Having a piece of paper, a couple rings and an announcement in the Times only means you have to be jointly responsible for the home, the bills, the children, the health, the bank accounts, and fully responsible for your participation in all of the above.

* The time of engagement is not really about dresses, flowers, and venues. It's a test. It's a test of your relationship and the way you two fall into a couple, how you deal with stress, family, drama, and build a life. Think of the engagement as a dress rehearsal.

* Expect the unexpected. Because when the unexpected happens, and it will, know how you work together, know your strengths and your weaknesses.

* You will be the one who has to be the shoulder.

* You will be the one who needs the shoulder to cry on.

* There will be times when you do more than your share, and no one cares.

* There will be times when you don't pull your own weight, and you won't care.

* There will be a moment when your kid doesn't get in, loses the game, or comes home with a broken heart, and you feel physical pain because of it.

* There will be a time when nothing he does soothes you, and there will be a time when he is the only thing that soothes you.

* Take a trip alone. Before a big birthday or something, but just once in your marriage take a trip by yourself. And don't get pissy if he wants to do the same.

* Think about your vows before you say them. For better or for worse. It's not the better part that busts up the marriages.

*Remember: Men marry women thinking they'll never change and women marry men hoping they will.

Other members added some things to the list including:

* Expectations can kill. Especially if you expect the other person to already know yours.

* Communication is key. If you can't talk to your fiance about everything before the wedding, then don't get married.

* On that note, people can't mind read. If you are unhappy about something, bring it up. Don't accuse if you can help it, use "I statements" (I feel hurt when...,instead of, You're being such a jerk when...).

* Encourage nights out with and without each other. Still do date nights, even if they are in the house in your pajamas.

* You are now each other's most important family members. If you can't hold that relationship sacred, and are more worried about things effecting your parents/siblings than your husband, you ought not be married.

When I read those comments, a few really struck me. Especially the ones about communication and how we are now suppose to be each other's most important family members. After reading that, I realized that those are two pretty key things for a relationship that we as a couple couldn't make work.

I think back to all the drama with the ex's family, and it just killed me that I didn't feel he was sticking up for me to his parents. Or his brother. And the fact that we couldn't communicate when it came to the important stuff.

2011-01-28T01:25:00.001-05:00

Its 124 am and I am trying to remove my bridal registries from the knot etc. Why I feel the burning need to do it now I don't know. But I feel like it needs done now.

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Bad Habit

2011-01-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

I've developed a bad habit. Its not smoking, or drinking too much. Not working out enough (something I've mastered... trust me it takes work to look this way [note the total sarcasm]). My bad habit it something way worse than any of these. My bad habit, is a Facebook obsession.

Now granted, Facebook can be an amazing way to keep track of friends, family, old classmates. But when your ex pops up in your newsfeed, its like a train wreck, that you can't help but stop to look. At first you say, "oh I'll just look this once". And then you tell yourself that you'll hide the feed. And you do hide the feed. But now when you log on, you make sure you check the ex's page too. And by you, I mean me.

And when you check his page, without fail it never fails to take your breathe away. I can't stop looking at my ex's Facebook page. Its not that he's dating someone else (which honestly, does sting a tiny bit) that takes my breathe away. Its the things he's saying and how he's acting towards her. Because that what he did to me when we 1st started dated.

The ex's is making comments like: Wow! Another great song. Made me tear up a bit. Wow! Just smiling thinking of it. --Btw, you don't even know how happy I get when I wake up and see your posts. :) (the song btw was Better Than Ezra's I Just Knew {which is such bullshit because he said he just 'knew' with me)

Or maybe his reply to the new girl's request that he go to bed: It's hard to for me when I have those blonde curls and blue eyes in my mind.

Or even better perhaps 20+ messages where the two of them go back and forth quoting Leighton Meester's song from Country Strong?!?!?!?! A Leighton Meester song for Christ's sake!?!?!?! She's on fucking Gossip Girl?!?!?!! You're going back and forth quoting a song that is sung by one of the CW's Gossip Girl ?!?!?! Come on, you are 32, living at home with mommy and daddy and quoting song lyrics back and forth like 2 totally emo-love sick high schoolers.

Some how they go from quoting the lyrics to this song (which has now been ruined for me, much like the movie) And talk about how awesome her hair is. My favorite being I bet it's soft as silk I bet! Can't wait to run my hands through it. (I'm saving you from the majority of the the exchange because its totally vomit inducing).

Now God bless my friends. Because they've been subjected to screenshots of the exchanges. And they let me vent and rant about it. And talk about how pissed off I am that he's doing and saying the same type of things he said and did to me when we 1st started dating, to this new girl.

Which brings me to the reason knocks the wind out of me every time I look. Today I realized that if he is pulling his "i'm the most amazingly sensitive, guy ever, who will open your door, and this is his M.O' with her. And he did the same thing with me, maybe I wasn't all that special to him anyways. That despite all I was willing to do and sacrifice for him, I'm easily replaced. And thats what takes my breath away.

Maybe I'm not so alone after all...

2011-01-25T21:23:00.001-05:00

Every body (probably more so that every female who happens to fall with in the age range of 18 to 35) knows about the website TheKnot. Its a fantastic website, (sarcasm noted) that is designed to help you plan your wedding. There are community boards that are broken down into many different areas, like local, month, flowers, dress and the list goes on. So what happens is after your wedding you can move onto their 'sister site" TheNest so after you have your perfect wedding you can live in perfect newly-wedded bliss, until you graduate to TheBump to start to plan for your perfect baby.

Just like The Knot, the sister sites have community boards. So today I was wasting time on the internet, and saw that there was a "starting over" thread. I click on it. And its a bunch of women who are going through called off weddings, divorces, and ending long term relationships.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading the posts and thinking wow, maybe I'm not as alone as I thought.

It was a nice surprise to find that community.

alone

2011-01-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

its a shitty feeling. especially when you get big news. like I did today. don't get me wrong, I was/am still am super pumped about it. Late last week i submitted my dissertation proposal outline (which is about 15 pages roughly single spaced) and got some positive feedback. This feedback is basically approving my outline and allowing me to go on for my research.

So I of course text all my friends. I get the automatic result of congrats and way to go. So I debate about telling Flower Boy about this via text or in person since we kinda texted about getting together tonight (since I spent the weekend with my oldest friend who flew in for the Steeler game. Which was amazing despite the sub-freezing temps.)

Since I suck at keeping things secret, I ended up texting him to see if he could call me. He couldn't but we texted back and forth and he asks if this is good. And I assure him it is, especially since I'm the only person in my cohort who's been approved for this.

Now I spent most of the evening in this euphoric state of happiness, so excited to celebrate with the person you're with. So instead, I get a cryptic text message from him about some gas leak (which in my limited understanding of how gas lines work, but gas leaks = serious issue) asking me to stay at my place again tonight.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed and I want to cry. And I'm mad, I'm mad that I care about this guy, who obviously doesn't care about me, or is making me question how he feels (especially since he likes to tell me how happy I make him and how he thinks I'm the one for him, which I call bullshit on but I am also bitter and jaded, but I digress). I'm pissed that I've managed to hit a huge milestone in my dissertation proposal and he doesn't get it.

Which is why, it sucks to be alone and have big news. But I guess I should be used to it by now. Especially since when I was with my ex, he didn't seem to really care about my big news either. It just sucks. Feeling alone when you have big news to celebrate.

trust

2011-01-22T23:08:00.009-05:00

Its such an integral competent in our lives. You have to be trusted at work to do a good job, you are trusted by your friends that you'll be a good friend to them. And in romantic relationships you have to trust that your partner is going to treat you well and not cheat on you.

People always say trust is earned. Not freely given, but when you start a relationship with someone, I feel like at some point in time you have to almost blindly start to trust the person or the relationship won't really go anywhere.

Trust is a HUGE issue for me. Not so much with my friendships, because I've gotten to the place where the few friends I have are really close ones that have seen each other through the good and bad. Those are the friends that count.

However in romantic relationships, I don't trust. I sort of take the 'at some point the person will fuck up and if I don't totally trust them, then I won't be as disappointed.' I know its a pretty fucked up way to go through life, and in reality not trusting someone doesn't really help me be not as disappointed but I guess for now it sort of works.

Trust is a concept I've really struggled with for a long time. I am not sure when I stopped trusting people, or started assuming that at some point people will ultimately let me down, but I did. Maybe its because I figured that I'd be better off only relying on myself.

Relationships are tough. Its so easy to be swept away in the early stages of the relationship where things are all puppy dogs and rainbows. But relationships rarely stay like that. I guess that where things are with Flower Boy in a way.

Maybe I'm over analyzing things (which is my true nature) but I can't help but feel this sort of sinking feeling that things are not what they seem with him. I can't put my finger on it, and even though I've done some snooping (I'm not proud of it) and haven't really found anything noteworthy. But I still feel like I'm just waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. And I kinda hate that feeling.

Bitter

2011-01-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

Even though its been nearly 4-ish months to the day since I canceled my wedding, there are still times I can't help but feel bitter, jaded, upset, and even on the brink of tears when I log on to Facebook. How is it possible for a social networking to reduce me to tears? Its when I see people's status updates and I read things like "I have the best hubby ever", "I love my wife, she rocks because fill-in-the-blank". Its stupid that it makes me so upset but to me its just another remind me that at 30 I do not have a husband. And it doesn't look like that will be changing any time soon. While I am so happy for my friends, and its been awesome to be apart of their wedding planning and wedding days, I can't help but feel like I'm going to be the always single girl.

I faithfullyl watched Sex & the City and saw how glamourous Carrie and Samantha made being single out to be, but I think its pretty obvious that my life couldn't be further from their Manhattan life style. In the series finale Carrie says something to her boyfriend at the time who is played by Mikhail Baryshnikov when she follows him to Paris. She says " I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." source

Honestly, who isn't searching for that. I feel like I have been conditioned since I was a little girl to dream about finding my knight in shining amour. I've hoped and dreamed that at some point I'll meet the right, most perfect guy for me and we will live happily ever after.

And I thought I found the type of love that Carrie talks about twice. The first was with my douche-nozzle college boyfriend who I dated for 6 years through numerous arrests, DUIs, drunken disorderliness, and cheating. We dated through my Junior year of college til the middle of 2006. I honestly thought that we'd move in together after college and live happily ever after. But I learned, (the hard way) that there is no way I could ever complete with his love of gin & partying.

The second time I thought I had found my person was with my ex-fiancee. He was so different than my ex (didn't drink at all, was into Star Wars & comic books). I thought that we'd be so happy together. But as time went on we weren't. I know I made the right decision ending things but I can't help but feel bitter and jaded when I read about how awesome other people's husbands are. Because I feel like I'm being excluded from a club. The Wives Club if you will. Its almost like going through sorority rush again. I so desperately want to become a member, but it just isn't happening.

I know that I'll end up ok no matter what. And that its better to be alone than to be with someone and totally miserable, but I so desperately want to have that permanent plus one.

One thing that I've been thinking about a lot recently is the whole how do you really know when its the right person? I've had so many of my friends say that you "just know". But I don't buy that. Because I thought I knew twice. Which obviously shows that despite my intelligence when it comes to 'knowing' I suck at figuring it out. How do you know? Do you just sort of take your chances on the person you think is 'just good enough'? The one you've invested enough time with that you think he's better than what you had in the past?

I truly know that there is no scientific equation or cost benefit analysis when it comes to figuring out how you 'know'. I really wish there was, because after my experience its pretty apparent that my ability of 'knowing' when the person is right pretty much sucks.

Updates All Around

2011-01-21T19:58:00.001-05:00

I can't believe its almost the end of January!! Where has the time gone??!?

I have a busy weekend coming up. I just finished tidying up my house since my best guy friend that I've known since 6th grade is flying up so that we can go to the AFC championship game. I have a feeling this is going to be a really fun weekend.

Things with Flower Boy are pretty status quo. I kinda feel like he was putting a little bit more effort in our relationship when we were 1st dating. He used to send me lots of text messages every day, and reply to my text messages almost immediately. Now, I get a good morning text and if I get a reply within an hour I'm lucky. Now granted he still calls me every night after work. But I also haven't seen him since Monday morning when I left his house.

Why? Monday night we had a wicked ice storm, Tuesday the weather wasn't much better, Wednesday by the time he got out of work the roads were icy again. Yesterday we got hit with about 8 inches of snow. And tonight? I am doubtful that I'll see him. Why? Well according to the weather.com,

VERY COLD WIND CHILLS THROUGH THE EVENING...

NORTHWEST WINDS AT 10 TO 15 MPH WILL COMBINE WITH TEMPERATURES IN THE LOWER TO MIDDLE TEENS THIS AFTERNOON INTO THIS EVENING TO PRODUCE WIND CHILLS AS COLD AS 5 TO NEARLY 10 DEGREES BELOW ZERO. WINDS WILL GRADUALLY DIMINISH OVERNIGHT ALLOWING WIND CHILLS TO REMAIN FROM 5 ABOVE TO 5 BELOW ZERO OVERNIGHT.

IF YOU MUST VENTURE OUTDOORS THIS AFTERNOON AND EVENING... DRESS IN LAYERS AND ENSURE NO SKIN IS EXPOSED TO THE ELEMENTS

Well thats charming right? Seeing how I left the house earlier this afternoon to run some errands, I'm not planning on leaving my house again. Especially since for me to come to him I'd have to pack up the dog and myself. And honestly I'm not really down for that right now. I texted Flower Boy and asked him to stay at my house tonight via text but haven't heard anything.

Normally we spend all weekend together but with my friend coming in for the game, I'm not going to stay with Flower Boy and leave my friend here. I just don't think thats cool.

And.. according to weather.com we're suppose to get slammed again on Tuesday through Thursday with a sleety icy mix. Awesomeness.

Ugh. Who knows when I'll see him again. I feel like it won't be any time soon.

In other updates, I am heading back up to NYC to help my sister get ready to move to China at the end of Feb. It should be a good time. I still kinda can't believe she's going to Hong Kong for 8 months.

I've also submitted my 1st outline for my phd proposal. Hopefully I'll get some helpful feedback.

Randomness

2011-01-13T16:52:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how, but my life has gotten busier. And I really miss taking time at the end of every day (or other day) and reflecting back on what has been going on.

The holidays totally flew by. It started with Sister #3 coming in on the 21st of December. Followed by the Steeler Game (which I *think* is what caused me to have/had still had bronchitis), then Flower Boy's 30th. The Christmas with Sister #2 and her husband. Then doing stuff with Sister #3, her getting offered the job in Hong Kong. The it was New Year's eve, which was spent with Flower Boy, but some how we ended up in bed by 12:30am. Mainly because someone (not me) opted to do oyster shooters (so foul) and got sick (from either too much rum or bad oysters, take your pick). Then it was my 30th which was a pretty big let down. And now its the middle of January.

While I'm sad the holidays totally flew by and my sisters are back in their home states, I'm happy that its a new year. Which means new beginnings. And while I know that most resolutions end up failing, there is one I feel finally ready to tackle. Which is my health/diet/fitness/wellness.

I've spoken briefly about the battles I've had with my eating disorder, and it should come as no surprise that as a result of abuse I put my body through for years (which includes massive laxative abuse, ordering ephedra from China, starvation for days followed by huge bouts of binging and purging) weight loss doesn't come easy for me. I look at my sisters who wear extra-small or smalls 99% of the time and wonder why that can't be me?? And honestly there is no reason it can't be. Now I'm not sure that I'll ever be an extra-small again, but there is no reason that I can't work on my health and fitness.

So for my 30th birthday I treated myself to this . EA Active 2. Which I love. After messing around with it a little bit and checking out the different settings, I decided to do the 9 week challenge. The plan is that I'll work out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday for the next 9 weeks. Sounds simple enough. I've also been using a calorie tracker as well. Just to keep me accountable as to what I'm eating.

I'm also not thinking of this as a challenge, but rather an experiment. Can I lose weight and get into better shape with the assistance of a video game. I plan to report how it goes here. So far I'm on day 3 and have completed 2 of the works outs for this week (since I started on a Tuesday I have one more for the week).

Get Out & Stay Out... and a Disney Princess in my family!!!!

2011-01-11T13:32:00.002-05:00

I was going through my Macbook Pro files over the weekend, trying to clean things up and adding space to my hard drive and I came across this song that my sister (sister#3) sent me only a few hours after I called to tell her that the wedding would not be happening. I wanted to share the lyrics because they're so good & true. Its funny because when she sent them to me, I really was so out of it that while I listened to the song, the lyrics were totally lost on me.

Lyrics | Stephanie J. Block - Get Out And Stay Out lyrics

After finding the song on my hard drive and listening to it, the lyrics are no longer lost on me.

While I know that Sister #3 doesn't even know that I blog, and will likely never even read this, I feel that I need to say thank you to her. For her love and support during the break up but also in everything I do. With out her I'd be so lost. She's an amazing person who does amazing things and never ceases to make me proud of her.

Which leads me to an announcement on her behalf, (that I have to share because I am so incredibly, undeniably proud of her for achieving a goal/dream of hers'). ****(Baby)Sister #3**** will be moving to Hong Kong, China in March for 7-8 months. Why? My (baby) Sister#3 will be playing Belle in Hong Kong Disney as part of their
Golden Mickey's Show. A little bit more about the show in Hong Kong Disney

A version of the show is performed at the Storybook Theatre in the Fantasyland area of Hong Kong Disneyland. The show is narrated in Cantonese, with simplified Chinese and English subtitles. All of the songs are performed in English. Here, the show begins with a performance of the title song including a dance performance based around cast members preparing costumes and taking press photos of arriving celebrities. “Live” film footage of Disney characters arriving by limousine and entering the theater along a red carpet is then projected on screens to the two sides of the stage before the characters enter through the auditorium aisle. This version of the show has a running commentary from the host Bebe who conducts interviews with Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse and is also involved in several of the song and dance routines. These feature cast members in the costumes of characters from Toy Story 2, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Tarzan, Mulan, Lilo and Stitch, The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast performing songs from these films. The show also includes aerial acrobatics, martial arts, puppetry and fireworks.--- from Wikipedia

My sister.... a Disney Princess.

Here is the best example I could find of what (baby) sister#3 will be doing....

Just watching this video snippet makes my heart swell with pride!!! Little sister I'm so proud of you!!! Thank you for all your love and support! I know you are going to do great in your newest role!

**** She is (baby) sister #3 because she is the youngest****

agnst-y

2011-01-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling all angst-y. And I'm not sure why. I think part of it is that I've not seen flower boy for a few days (I stayed over on Monday into Tuesday, so I saw him Tuesday morning and that was it. I was suppose to stay over on Tuesday night, but he had kinda a bad day at work, so I ended up staying home. Now granted we've texted and talked during this time but its not the same as seeing him after work. I worked today, so I slept at my place last night.

The hope was that I'd see him tonight, but its snowing & well... i can't drive in the snow. (its not that I can't, its that it causes me to panic). So odds are that I'll be here tonight and end up just seeing him tomorrow (all things going well).

so why the agnst?

Because I've really, really, really started to like him. And yeah, maybe he's not long term matterial (I some times worry about how responsible he is, and the fact that at times he doesn't always think things through 100000 times like myself) but I've reached the point where I like him. A lot. And if things were to end I'd be upset.

Now there have been no signs or reasons for me to think that this would be happening some time soon, but I've started to totally over analyze things. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do I jump ship in an attempt to protect myself, or let things ride? I know that I want to keep spending time with him, so jumping ship would totally be shooting myself in the foot as a protective measure. And its stupid.

So instead, I'll just drive myself crazy, over analyzing things.

A New Decade....

2011-01-04T21:37:00.000-05:00

Has started. I'm officially 30 as of yesterday! How do I feel about this, I'm not sure. I can remember thinking when I was in my early-mid twenties about all the things I'd be doing or 'checked off my list'. Which is so ironic because none of them have been achieved..... Its true what they say life happens while you are too busy making other plans... The things I thought I'd have accomplished by the time I was 30 include:

married (original estimate was at 25-28ish age range)
had a least one child
be some what established in the communications/marketing/PR field
owning a house

Funny how life will throw you some massive changes. I know that my parents and friends tell me how successful & resilient and strong I am, but a lot of the time I don't feel that way. At all. A lot of the time I feel like I'm barely struggling to get by.

I feel like yet again there are a million things I want to talk about such as how the holidays went with flower boy, what we did, how our new years was and what we did for 30th birthdays, plus him meeting my whole family & some good friends but i'm just a jumble of emotions right now. and i don't really feel like writing. and i don't know why. normally I am able to get the words to just flow, but this isn't working. so maybe what I'll do is accept defeat and try again another day.

feeling funky

2010-12-20T22:03:00.000-05:00

and not in a good way. I'm in a funk right now. I'm not sure if I'm having residual "I didn't get married OMFG" moments, if its PMS/hormonal related(since I'm in the last week of the 'real' pills), or the impending stress of the up coming holiday ( and my sisters being home). But all I know is that I've been in a total funk.

I woke up grumpy. I have this weird thing where I hate to wake up alone if I'm staying at someone's house. Since I stayed at Flower Boy's place last night, (which has some how become a more common occurrence recently) when I woke up and he was downstairs I wasn't happy. I know he was downstairs watching TV & didn't want to wake me up, and thats nice, but I'd rather him wake me up. I know its so weird & stupid but it really just irked me for some reason today.

I was suppose to meet a friend for dinner that is in from out of town, but the idea of having to get up, showered, & all dressed/dolled up with make up was too much to even bare. so i stayed on my couch, in the dark with the tv on mute, which is what I did for most of the day til about 6pm-ish.

my best girlie from undergrad called me to check on me, and basically told me to snap out of it and stop being an asshole. She instructed me to eat something (potato skins with creme brulee cheesecake is the new dinner of champions) and turn some fucking lights on. So I did.

Then I called my best girlie from my PhD program and talked to her about stuff. About the developments with Flower Boy (which include him clearing a drawer out for me like as soon as I got home, and then his dismay when I didn't leave stuff at his house for the last 2 weeks, but finally broke down and did today), spending the day with his family at the hospital yesterday, and then him meeting my family (which I'm guessing went ok enough).

I also finally broke down and did some Christmas/Birthday shopping for Flower Boy (who is turning 30 on 12/24). I got him a DVD about the OSU/Michigan rivalry, a money clip (which he needs desperately) & a personalized branding iron for his grill. I figure that once he gets his new Xbox 360 Kinect I'll get him a game.

I don't know why I feel so unsettled, restless, funky. I just hope that this feeling passes soon.