Running and Patience

I can't really give a reason as to why there is been such a long (2+ months) radio silence on my end.

Part of it could be that I'm busier now. Really pushing myself with finishing up my proposal for my PhD, trying to stay on track to graduate by December 2012, working out (I've recently started running again... so therapeutic), spending time with 'the cub' who things are still going very well with.

Or maybe its just that I feel that while I was the girl who called off her wedding, thats really not how I see myself any more. Yes, I was engaged. I was suppose to be married. However, I grew some balls and realized that it would have been a bad decision , (a very, very, bad, and expensive) decision.

Reflecting back to my time as half of an engaged couple, I truly see how incompatible my ex and I were. Its not like he was a bad person. He was just a bad person for me to spend my life with. We were too different, and wanted too many different things, that just didn't over lap. And, that is ok.

I've learned a lot. About relationships, friendships, what it means to be compitable with someone, what are the signs things aren't working, that you should always listen to your gut. There truly are so many trite, cliched things I've learned, that I can't even list.

But one of the biggest things I've learned is that its OK to be me. And the me who I am will find someone who loves her for her. Idiosyncrasies and all. And maybe that was one of the biggest and best lessons I've learned from this whole experience.

I have loved using 'blogging' as a form of therapy. Its truly helped me so much. The perspective I've gained and people I've 'met' have been amazing. But like I said, I don't truly see myself as the 30-something ex bride to be any  more.

So I don't know what to do with this blog. I love writing, but I don't really want to write about my relationship(s) current, failed or otherwise anymore. Maybe I'm being superstious, and don't want to jinx myself or my relationship with 'the cub'. Or maybe I've reached a point where it seems OK, to just be a state of being.. In the right now.

Please don't misunderstand, just because I'm in a happy, and much healthier relationship does not mean my life is 100% puppy dogs, ice cream cones and rainbows. Because it's not. My grandparent's health continues to decline.... it seems that take turns as to who is declining more rapidly. Things with  my mom still aren't great, and at best our relationship could be best described as strained.

But again, I'm living and learning. And just  being in the moment. I guess the issue is I don't seem to know where I fit in, inregards to the blogging community. I'm not a mommy blogger, or a  health/food blogger. I'm just a normal 30-something girl who thought her life would turn out one way, and somewhere along the line, things ended up taking a big turn. In some ways I do feel that it was for the best, but I prefer to say that it was just a learning experience. A big one.

I plan to keep writing, but I'm just not sure about what. One thing I'm learning (or re-learning) from starting to run again is patience. Patience has never been my strong suit. In fact, when I get a gift for someone, I want to give it to them right that second. I hate waiting. For example I bough 'the cub' a sweet watch for Valentine's day. When it came in last Thursday I gave it to him. Sans card and gift wrap, because I get too excited about if the person will like it, and get caught up in the giving part. Weird, I know. How does me giving gifts way too early relate to running?

Running is a sport that requires patience. A lot of it, to be honest. You can't just say one day, 'hmmmm I'd like to run a marathon or half, or 10K or even a 5k'. You have to start slow, and build on the basics. The basics of running being endurance, good form, patiences and belief in yourself.Which if you think about it can be applied to both life and relationships.

You need to build up your endurance or milage in running, and by doing that you build on your form too. You must be patient with yourself while doing the 1st steps. And you must  belief that one day you will be running those 26.2 miles. But until then, you just keep chipping away at the basics, one day at a time.

One year ago...

One year ago today, was suppose to be my wedding day. At roughly 4pm I was suppose to be starting to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, in my awesome wedding dress, on my way to say my vows. To the person who I thought would be there for better or worse, richer or poorer... etc. But we all know how that turned out.

Wedding canceled 2 months out. And to be honest, I never looked back. To this day, canceling my wedding is the one decision I don't regret. I'm so much happier, so much more independent, and sure of myself.

I learned a lot in the last year. In some ways it seems like its been way longer than just 365 days. In other ways, it doesn't really seem like it was a year ago.

To all my friends who have been there to support me, that have let me lean on them, cry on their shoulders, and just were there for me thank you. Your support means so much more than you probably will ever even know. I hope that one day I am able to repay the love and kindness you gave me.

To anyone who recently called things off, or who is going through a break up, you aren't alone. Hang in there. It gets better.

No News

is good news I suppose. And the cub is claiming he's back to 100%. So hopefully it was just a bad case of body glitter getting where it shouldn't. Sort of like if you have some fun times on a beach.

I'm still somewhat on edge since I won't feel totally 100% til he hears from the doctors. But I wonder if they're one of those who don't call unless something is wrong. Especially since he's on anti-biotics already.

Regardless, any thoughts or vibes you want to send my way would be great.

anonymous post

I should preface this post with a if you know me in real life, I'd appreciate if you treat this post as if you don't know me. That it's been written by some other anonymous blogger. I welcome your comments and support, but I'm very embarrassed, by this. But I need support so who better to turn to than to the blogosphere. 


Last night everything was fine. We went out with my sister and she started punking out early due to the massive time change. So I ran her home, he stayed out. When I got back some how the boys decided that it would be a great plan to go to this really trashy strip club. I basically had my back up against a wall so I sort of went along with everything. I figured that the cub and I would drive ourselves and by doing that we could bail. He had other plans. He figured that I'd drive his friend so I'd be forced to go. Now keep in mind that he's wasted. 


So as we are driving to the strip club, he realizes that I'm none too thrilled with this.  and I told him basically if I left and went to get my dog from his house I wouldn't be there when he got home. So we had 2 drinks and left. its fine. So we end up discussing the fact that he sort of threw me under the bus with me driving his friends down to the strip club etc. And he can understand why I was so upset. And we talked again this morning. But I have this irksome feeling that this is the beginning of the end. That after the wedding he's going to drop me like a bad habit.  

Earlier this week, he thought he maybe getting a UTI and went to the doctors. They gave him antibiotics and are doing some blood work. We should have the results back on Monday hopefully. Ever since then I feel like he's been sort of distant.  I don't know if he's just uncomfortable from the potential UTI issue or he's nervous about the test results, which he says he isn't, but I feel like he's been distant.  

My dear friend that I emailed pointed out that perhaps the stress of awaiting the test results, is making me feel like things are really bad between you two? And she's right. Its the stress of the unknown. I'm a planner. I like ot have a plan for everything. But how do you plan for something like this. 

What makes this sort of worse, is he's leaving Tuesday afternoon, and today he's at the football game, tomorrow he's working & has wing night with the boys (which he won't/can't miss) and then he leaves Tuesday. So the next time I see him won't be til Friday afternoon when I get to the wedding.

He sent me a text today saying not to worry about anything and we're ok. And to trust him his friends don't hate me and he can't wait to see me friday. But I just feel icky. I don't know. I'm not sure how much of this makes sense. But I'm just like bleech.  


I hate feeling like this. Things were going well, I really liked him and I still do. But there is this nagging part of me that wants to cut and run so  I don't get hurt. So that I 'hurt him before he can hurt me'. I know its not healthy. But I'm at a loss. I guess all I can do is wait til Monday to hear about what the doctors/test results say. 


The italics part are from the email. 

Its a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap.... Sometimes it takes a huge loss to remind you about what you care about the most... sometimes you find yourself becoming stronger, wiser, better equipped  to handle the next big disaster that comes along... sometimes ... but not always..

Grey's Anatomy

Creeping back in...

No I don't mean the fact that I haven't posted in a long time (I know, I know, epic failure). What I mean is my ED Mind, (ED Mind = eating disorder mindset).

This weekend "the cub" (which means I should say thanks to my good friend from Built In Birth Control for giving him that nickname) and I celebrated Halloween. I spent most of the week looking forward to this weekend. I was excited to meet the rest of "the cub's" friends, and really enjoy a Halloween party. However, Murphy's law went into effect.

First, when we got to 'the cub's' friend's house, people started calling me by the wrong name. Which ok fine, (sort of not really) because I know my name is kinda weird. However, what made the situation worse was that 'the cub's' friends were calling me by his ex-girlfriend's name. Which just happens to start with the same 1st letter as mine did. Now, I get it, its Halloween time to enjoy some libations, but really, I didn't think people were that drunk that they couldn't get my name right. 

Next, a group of 'the cub's' friends were sitting around (all girls) who he went to high school with. They were talking about his ex. The one he really, really liked. And would have gotten back together with her if um, we hadn't started dating and she didn't get engaged. So to add to my feelings of social anxiety by being called the wrong name most of the night, I got to witness some ex talk.

And finally, this is my favorite. His cousin (who is a a girl) sat me down and basically told me that 'she knows how her cousin is, and if I don't challenge him I'll lose him. And that he normally goes for girls who are really in shape, so I should work on getting in shape if I want to keep him'. I was floored. I had no true response. Luckily it was towards the end of the night, and we left shortly afterwards.

Basically, when the cub & I got in the car I started to cry. I don't really cry. I'm not super emotional. But when I get upset for a basically being told I'm not good enough or in nice enough shape to be dating the cub by his family member, I lost it.

The cub wanted to know what was wrong, and there really isn't too much to say. Especially because I know how important his family is to him. Needless to say, I acted in my standard fashion of packing up the stuff I had at his house, and trying to leave.

Now to the cub's credit, he was pretty awesome through out the whole thing. He realized why i was upset, told me that his cousin is an air-head and not to take anything she says seriously. And I know how he feels about me. And that's what matters.  As well as being able to understand why I was so upset.

Which he is right about. However, that didn't stop me from being upset by the comments today, still and by searching for diet pills online. Unhealthy, yes. Do I care, no not really.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who I can talk to/tweet about this and they helped reel me back in. But it doesn't stop my ED Mind from surfacing & telling me that if I was 10lbs skinnier, this girl would have liked me. Which I know is illogical, but thats the way the ED Mind works. It also made me realize that despite being  "in recovery" now for about 4 years, this is a life long issue I'll have. And that sucks.

I'm not really sure what this means for the cub and I. When we talked about it, and how we left things on Sunday, he seemed to think we're fine and back to normal. But I'm still really nervous about the whole thing, and possibly meeting his sister sometime soon. I hope that its just a little hiccup, but who knows.

Its been a while....

So I figured I'd share a quick dating update.  Younger guy (who shall now be nicknamed 'the kid') and I are exclusive. I met most of his friends over the last few weeks, and I met his parents this week. 

Things are going really well and I'm happy. Which is awesome. I will do a full update of how things have been soon, but right now I'm tired, and just enjoying being in this state of bliss.